fear

i made a lot of time for myself to think and to process various things this summer.  i devoured books that mentored me, challenged me, and inspired me.  i have thought a lot about what motivates me and what "controls" me.  throughout this journey, i kept coming back to the thought of fear and what that means to me and what makes me afraid.  i have never considered myself a fearful person because i didn't think i was really afraid of anything.  well, after some soul searching, i realized i do have fears that i had just mislabeled or not realized.  i've broken my thoughts into three parts: the things that do not make me fearful, the things that used to make me fearful, and what my current/future fear is.

i have never been one to be fearful of things out of my control.  i would like to think i make sound decisions and use good judgement when doing most anything, so if something different than my plan happens, it was meant to be.  i do not worry about the weather, but i do get in the closet without windows in our house during a tornado warning (they have those warnings for a reason)!  i do not worry about my safety or the safety of my family; we wear our seat belts in the car, drive wisely, make educated decisions about where we travel, etc.  i do not worry about my house; my house is my home because of the people who are in it, not things...we live in a safe area, and i'll happily take out the trash at 1am if i'm up and working around the house.  i do not worry about sickness or death for my loved ones or myself; we have one body to take care of (well, maybe more than one if you're a parent), and as long as we eat well, stay active, get check ups, and go to the doctor when in doubt, there is nothing else we can do.  whenever i was worried about lucy to the point that i was uncomfortable caring for her at home, we just journeyed to the ER, and she was always admitted to the hospital.  once we were there, i knew she was in the best possible hands and that God had a great plan for her life, so i can honestly say i was not fraught with worry and fear throughout her life.

so isn't that list lovely?  hooray for me for not being afraid of the things of out my control and the things that would happen once in a lifetime or at the most, rarely.  i'm not sure about you, but that doesn't make me feel empowered at all...and do you want to know why?  because i realized what i used to be afraid of controlled a lot of my words and certainly my actions.  and by used to, i mean i just had this major realization over the summer, and seeing how today is the last day of summer, i'm clearly still working on it. ;)  but what was this culprit that had SUCH a hold on me?  people and their words.  let that sink in for a minute.  the odds of my family or myself being in a place that's the target of a terrorist attack or my house burning down are so slim, it's almost none, so it makes sense to not have a fear of those things.  but the odds of people talking to me?  umm...that would be 100%.  once i was able identify this unknown fear i had, i was able to start to relinquish control of it...with lots of prayers and when needed, counsel.

my love language is words of affirmation.  that means the greatest gift someone can give me is with their words, and consequently, the greatest hurt someone can give me is with their words.  i developed the "disease to please" early in life (i have many theories on why, but that is for several future blog posts), and i think people have used that for good and not for good in my life.  i always wanted to be the best at everything...the best daughter, sister, student, friend, employee...you name it.  whenever i got positive reinforcement or praise for things i did to achieve that "status," i would push myself to be even better next time.

i was always wondering if people were talking about me judgmentally or critically.  when i was in high school, my dad loved to say, "jenny thinks the football players are talking about her in the huddle," meaning, i used to think everyone was always talking about me.  i (thankfully) got over my fear of people talking about me in my early twenties, and i think a big part of that is the self realization that i'm not that important for people to talk about!  i have learned to be confident in who i am as well as strong (and at times vocal) for what i stand for and believe in.  those that know and love me do so because of (and let's be honest, in spite of) the qualities that make me, me.  i am now trying to consistently be my best self, and above all, my true self...not who someone wants me to be, needs me to be, or thinks i should be...just who i am in all of its unique glory.  so now i've named and claimed what specific fear has had a hold on me, i can prayerfully walk through life and relationships without adjusting my words and actions to meet that fear.

my current/future fear is not so much a fear to me, but rather a filter through which i view my life.  i do not want to get to the end of my life having missed the life i was given to live.  as i've said a million times and am probably no where near finished saying, lucy truly taught me the value and meaning of life.  i want to live my life without regret and without hurry.  i want to savor the moments, the meals, the gatherings, and the in between.  i want to live fully alive every day, without fear of the past or my future.  i want to be authentic, compassionate, and kind.  i want to live joyfully and continuously shine the light of Jesus.  i want to operate from love and God's word versus people's expectations.  i want to live a full life for as many days as i have on the earth.