THAT question

what question you ask?  oh, the one that goes like this...how many children do you have?

before i begin and give my answer to this question, i just want to disclaim that i truly believe there is no right or wrong way to answer this question. i have learned in my three months of life in the infant loss world, parents (and especially moms) have VERY strong feelings about this question and its answer.  and you know what, i totally get that; the answer to this question is a judgement free zone...always.  to lose a child is one of the hardest things we can go through, and so i believe we have to answer this question in the way that will give us peace and comfort.

now that being said, this question and its answer was one of the first things i thought about and prayed about after lucy passed away.  lucy (just like ellie and hopefully future kiddos) was and always will be one of my greatest gift(s).  i think of lucy every second of every day and try to live my life in a way that will always honor her.  so to cut to the chase...if i were asked this question today, what would i say?  i would say i have one child.

here are my thoughts on why i would say such a thing.  my inner circle, middle circle, outer circle, and even some outliers know about lucy.  they don't ask me how many children i have.  they know i have had two girls.  they ask me how i am, and they bring up lucy in conversation.  i can pick up where we left off in conversation about how we're doing and such.

so the person that would ask me how many children i have doesn't know me from adam.  this person may be the sweet lady in the elevator who sees me with ellie and says, "is she your only one?" (ellie has no idea what this means, so i can safely say yes and smile).  i was honored to be able to co-host a baby shower for one of my best friends recently, and one of the ladies there asked how many children i had, and i answered one (for me, that was not the place to even go near that subject).

lucy is such a light and bright spot in my life, and if i don't have time to sit down with you on a bench and tell you more than you want to know about her, then i don't want to slight her by mentioning her and then having to walk away.  i don't want someone to have pity on me or feel sorry for me for losing lucy, when lucy is and always will be one of my greatest gifts and teachers.  now, if you come into my house (and i don't know you well enough to have let you in on my sweet angel), then you will undoubtedly see pictures, hear her name, and then we'll sit on my couch, drink coffee, and i'll tell you all about my sweet girl.

lucy lives loud and strong in my heart and always will.  i will fiercely protect her legacy just like i protected her life while here on earth.  i will not tell unknowing and well-meaning strangers about lucy in a five minute exchange somewhere because to me that can't paint a picture of my girl.

we hear about how not to judge people because everyone is fighting battles we don't know.  my challenge for us today is to not ask pressing questions, assume anything about why someone does or doesn't have kids or why they only have one, etc.  similarly, i challenge us to not take offense when a kind stranger smiles and asks what they think is just an innocent question.  we all carry our special things and people near and dear to our heart.  and i can say, without a doubt in my mind, that lucy knows i will love and honor her for all of the days of my life.