you do you

y'all.  it has been forever and a day since i have blogged.  i have a journal that has pages of topics/thoughts i want to blog about, but instead of going "backwards" or filling in my missing blogging gap, i'm just going to start right where i am today!

feeding baby.  whew...what a hotly debated topic.  people die on their swords (this momma being a reformed obsessed new momma) over this topic and women can feel amazing or down right terrible depending on their feeding choices and what the voices in their head are telling them.

i have always wanted to be a mommy, and a stay-at-home mommy, at that.  that has been my biggest hope and dream since i can remember...to have the privilege of raising our kiddos to hopefully grow up to love Jesus and affect change for our entire generational line--talk about purpose! [that will be a topic for another day.]  since being a mommy has been my life's dream, then i was going to be the best. mommy. ever.  obviously the best mom's breastfeed for a year, so by golly that's what i was going to do [please note: last sentence is a tad facetious].

when i had ellie, she made me a stay at home mom to one easy-peasy baby.  when it came to feeding her, it was a no-brainer, i was going to breastfeed.  fortunately for me, i had ample milk supply; ellie nursed without a single problem, and off we went.  i nursed her for a year, and i will admit, i loved most of it and was very proud of our accomplishment.  when i look back at that year with ellie, i savor the moments we had snuggling and bonding with each other, and i felt empowered that i alone could sustain her nutrition.  i would have DIED if someone would have mentioned the F word (ahem, formula) because that was a big ol' F word in my book.

now what wasn't seen during that year nursing ellie was the fact that i literally nursed ellie for a year.  i think ellie may have taken a bottle 15-20 at the most during her first year of life.  but wait...you may be thinking, "how did jenny go anywhere without ellie? don't babies have a pretty tight feeding window? why did she not pump?" well, you are observant.  i didn't leave ellie much anywhere at anytime because i don't like to pump, and i wasn't going to do that.  but goodness gracious, i certainly wasn't going to offer formula either.

then i had my sweet lucy.  similarly, i was going to breastfeed lucy because she definitely needed my antibodies and good stuff from momma's milk.  God was gracious to grant me three sweet months of bonding through nursing with lucy.  i was told babies with down syndrome can't latch or nurse, and i was able to nurse lucy right after delivery...it is one of my most treasured moments.  however, nursing exerted A LOT of energy for my precious cardiac girl, and she needed fortified [higher calorie] food.  i think i tried to pump for a hot minute and fortify her food, but i wasn't able to be the momma i wanted to be to either her or ellie for those few days.  i quickly reevaluated and decided to go to formula for lucy, so i could measure and know what she was getting.  around that time, she was preparing for heart surgery and then would be tube fed for the remaining five months of her life.  i do not regret one single moment of formula feeding lucy because it allowed me to be present with both girls, whether at home or in the hospital...and i could trade off with mark and not have to be solely in charge of the baby because he could feed her too.

now cue the birth of my little handsome man and third baby.  i knew i definitely wanted to nurse charlie after birth and for as long as i wanted [*gasp* can mom's choose to do something *selfish* like that? ;)].  BUT i had also tasted the kool-aide of formula feeding.  i could tell that mentally, charlie and i were not going to make it to a year of breastfeeding.  [side note: one thing that really helped me with ellie is that i didn't complain or utter one negative word about feeding her because it was my choice, and i knew if i expressed frustrations, i would want to quit...that being said, i wasn't experiencing depression or resentment, so please don't misconstrue that advice for hiding postpartum depression if you're struggling.]  well, once charlie was born, my pediatrician suggested giving him one bottle of formula a day to ensure weight gain, and i said yes without hesitation [thank you, lucy].  then, i had to go back to the hospital for two nights, and he was exclusively formula fed while i was gone.  thankfully, he returned to nursing when i got home, but i still gave him a bottle of formula a day.

so, where are we now? right now, charlie eats six times a day, and i try to do three of them from me and three of them are formula.  i had to figure out what is my feeding philosophy and why and then feel 100% confident in my decision.  and since you're dying to know, my philosophy is breast is best.  meaning literally, breast is best.  if i can nurse my baby, hooray and awesome.  i stay at home and am with my kiddos all of the time, so i do not want to pump.  i do not enjoy pumping, and it didn't take me too long to figure that out.  if i am going to give my baby a bottle, i truly don't care if it's breastmilk or formula.  does that make me so weird?  i have no idea, but after really thinking about what works best for me, that's it.

i feel like i'm in a great place with feeding charlie because i can run errands, get dinner with a friend, or whatever the spirit moves me without him needing me.  and we haven't even discussed the fact that mark can participate in feeding and bonding with charlie as well, which i think is really important for dads too.

i hope you feel encouraged to feed your baby in whatever way is best for you and your family.  think about what is important to you and why and adopt a feeding schedule to compliment that.  yes, breastmilk is the best for food for baby, but a mentally stable and happy momma is better for baby and her entire family.  if you need me to encourage you to breastfeed for a year, i'm your girl.  if you need me to encourage you to formula feed right out of the gate, i'm your girl.  if you need me to encourage you to do a hybrid until your supply runs out or you want to stop, i'm your girl.  there is no judgement here...i have just about covered the whole spectrum of feeding when it comes to my three babies.

just know you are doing an amazing job at this mom thing, and you just keep on doing you! :)