fear

i made a lot of time for myself to think and to process various things this summer.  i devoured books that mentored me, challenged me, and inspired me.  i have thought a lot about what motivates me and what "controls" me.  throughout this journey, i kept coming back to the thought of fear and what that means to me and what makes me afraid.  i have never considered myself a fearful person because i didn't think i was really afraid of anything.  well, after some soul searching, i realized i do have fears that i had just mislabeled or not realized.  i've broken my thoughts into three parts: the things that do not make me fearful, the things that used to make me fearful, and what my current/future fear is.

i have never been one to be fearful of things out of my control.  i would like to think i make sound decisions and use good judgement when doing most anything, so if something different than my plan happens, it was meant to be.  i do not worry about the weather, but i do get in the closet without windows in our house during a tornado warning (they have those warnings for a reason)!  i do not worry about my safety or the safety of my family; we wear our seat belts in the car, drive wisely, make educated decisions about where we travel, etc.  i do not worry about my house; my house is my home because of the people who are in it, not things...we live in a safe area, and i'll happily take out the trash at 1am if i'm up and working around the house.  i do not worry about sickness or death for my loved ones or myself; we have one body to take care of (well, maybe more than one if you're a parent), and as long as we eat well, stay active, get check ups, and go to the doctor when in doubt, there is nothing else we can do.  whenever i was worried about lucy to the point that i was uncomfortable caring for her at home, we just journeyed to the ER, and she was always admitted to the hospital.  once we were there, i knew she was in the best possible hands and that God had a great plan for her life, so i can honestly say i was not fraught with worry and fear throughout her life.

so isn't that list lovely?  hooray for me for not being afraid of the things of out my control and the things that would happen once in a lifetime or at the most, rarely.  i'm not sure about you, but that doesn't make me feel empowered at all...and do you want to know why?  because i realized what i used to be afraid of controlled a lot of my words and certainly my actions.  and by used to, i mean i just had this major realization over the summer, and seeing how today is the last day of summer, i'm clearly still working on it. ;)  but what was this culprit that had SUCH a hold on me?  people and their words.  let that sink in for a minute.  the odds of my family or myself being in a place that's the target of a terrorist attack or my house burning down are so slim, it's almost none, so it makes sense to not have a fear of those things.  but the odds of people talking to me?  umm...that would be 100%.  once i was able identify this unknown fear i had, i was able to start to relinquish control of it...with lots of prayers and when needed, counsel.

my love language is words of affirmation.  that means the greatest gift someone can give me is with their words, and consequently, the greatest hurt someone can give me is with their words.  i developed the "disease to please" early in life (i have many theories on why, but that is for several future blog posts), and i think people have used that for good and not for good in my life.  i always wanted to be the best at everything...the best daughter, sister, student, friend, employee...you name it.  whenever i got positive reinforcement or praise for things i did to achieve that "status," i would push myself to be even better next time.

i was always wondering if people were talking about me judgmentally or critically.  when i was in high school, my dad loved to say, "jenny thinks the football players are talking about her in the huddle," meaning, i used to think everyone was always talking about me.  i (thankfully) got over my fear of people talking about me in my early twenties, and i think a big part of that is the self realization that i'm not that important for people to talk about!  i have learned to be confident in who i am as well as strong (and at times vocal) for what i stand for and believe in.  those that know and love me do so because of (and let's be honest, in spite of) the qualities that make me, me.  i am now trying to consistently be my best self, and above all, my true self...not who someone wants me to be, needs me to be, or thinks i should be...just who i am in all of its unique glory.  so now i've named and claimed what specific fear has had a hold on me, i can prayerfully walk through life and relationships without adjusting my words and actions to meet that fear.

my current/future fear is not so much a fear to me, but rather a filter through which i view my life.  i do not want to get to the end of my life having missed the life i was given to live.  as i've said a million times and am probably no where near finished saying, lucy truly taught me the value and meaning of life.  i want to live my life without regret and without hurry.  i want to savor the moments, the meals, the gatherings, and the in between.  i want to live fully alive every day, without fear of the past or my future.  i want to be authentic, compassionate, and kind.  i want to live joyfully and continuously shine the light of Jesus.  i want to operate from love and God's word versus people's expectations.  i want to live a full life for as many days as i have on the earth.

a few ideas on how to love & support grieving loved ones

so i’ve thought for a while about writing this post, and i feel like i’ve had enough time to think about these few things that i’m about to share with you.  maybe you, like me, have stumbled across the articles written about things to do, things not to do, things to say, things not to say, etc. when someone is grieving.  not that the world needs another article written about it, but i thought...what the heck...i’ll share my experience and maybe it’ll help one person somewhere.  i would like to add that i think my list is more of a “how to approach someone going through a challenging time” because i think it can apply to the time period of diagnosis, hospital stays, loss, and probably many more situations.

before i start, i thought i’d give you a quick reminder of my personality and grieving style.  i am a super private person, and i do not like to be vulnerable or seen as vulnerable.  God has taught me a lot about this over the past year, and i’m trying to be better about sharing my story because i think God uses all of our stories to teach us.  my grieving style is thinking and action (versus the third, emotion), and i know this has made it challenging for some people to know how to best help me (i had someone tell me they forget how tough losing lucy must be for me because i come across so strong).

that being said, i can only speak for myself and my experiences, but if you know someone with a personality similar to mine, maybe these ideas will help guide you a little more with how to show your support and love in a way that meets their need.

1. take what they say as what they mean

when i was thirteen weeks pregnant with lucy, we got her prenatal diagnosis of down syndrome and her heart defect. we immediately knew we wanted to share the news those who already knew we were pregnant as well as those that would pray for lucy's growth and development (the doctor gave us a 50/50 chance she'd make it to our next appt). we wrote an email to everyone to let them know what we knew and to ask for specific prayer. we also asked that people not ask about it until we told them we were ready because mark and i wanted to process by ourselves first. the outpouring of texts and emails offering love, support, and encouragement were overwhelming but amazing because almost no one asked for anything in return.

my advice in dealing with more private people like me is to respect their wishes and pray alongside them...knowing that since they shared that information with you in the first place that they'll want to further discuss it once they're ready and able.

2. tell them specific things you will do for them

whenever someone tells me "let me know if there's anything i can do for you" or "just let me know what you need," there is a 100% chance i will say that i so appreciate the offer but i'm good. i do not like the feeling of asking someone for a favor (though i am getting better) or feeling like i am inconveniencing anyone by what i ask. the offerings and help that have meant the most for me have been the specific ones that i am "told" someone is going to do for me. i have loved when i get texts that say "i'm bringing y'all dinner on thursday and leaving it on your porch." this is my favorite because there is no pressure to visit (though we usually want to and look forward to catching up with the sweet deliverer), and you cannot go wrong with food!

mark and i went over a year without a date night with just the two of us. because we had had to ask for help with ellie while juggling lucy's hospital stays, we did not want to ask for further favors to watch ellie and/or lucy because we wanted to spend time by ourselves. i had one person tell me "i am going to keep ellie for you for an afternoon while you do ______." i loved this.

don't be offended if the person doesn't take you up on your specific offer; it may not be good timing or work for them, but i guarantee it will mean the world when you just state what you want to do for them and follow through!

3. be there for their support; don't require support from them

this is a challenging one that i'm still processing through. i like to be a fixer and counselor, so i have suppressed my feelings too many times over the past year in order to help several people process how what we're going through is affecting them. i was guilty of fulfilling what someone else wants and supporting them versus what i may have needed for support at that time.

probably one of the most obvious times for support is right after an event (diagnosis, loss, etc.). if you go to someone's house after said event, be sure you go to support them in whatever ways they may need (they may need you to just send them to bed and deal with their company). also, don't surprise people by just showing up; be sure the person you are going to support knows you are coming. we had many people come in and out the day lucy went to Heaven and experienced a spectrum of support.

moral of the story...be there for the one(s) going through the event and seek your own support from others in your support group while you dig in to help the one(s) in need of love and care.

4. say something

i have read many articles about the right & wrong things to say to someone who is grieving...how not to say that their loved one is in a better place but to say that they are always here, etc. for me, i haven't had someone say "the wrong thing," and apart from someone saying that life is better without lucy (which no one ever would because clearly that's not true), i won't be offended by sentiments of comfort. i believe lucy is in best place ever (though that doesn't remove the ache of wanting her here with me every second), so that statement brings me comfort.

the most hurtful thing i experienced was when someone, who was close to me, said nothing. the silence is truly deafening. i know people don't know what to say...because i would still have no idea what to say to you if you lost a child. i do know that i would say "i don't know what to say" and would ask and bring up the child who has passed away.

always say something. if the person is your close friend or acquaintance on facebook, take the time to write a message, send a note, or give a call. it means more than you'll ever know.