i'm not sure what these words mean to you, but they have meant various things to me over the years. they have certainly elicited different feelings from me depending on the phase of life i was in as well. i am not what i would call a girl's girl. from elementary school through high school, i always found it easier to talk to and be friends with guys. and believe me when i say friends with guys and no more...i have only kissed one other boy besides my husband, and that was my long-term high school boyfriend after we dated for a year (but alas, i digress). i have always tried to avoid drama in my life, and i found that a lot of girl friendships had a lot of drama in middle and high school.
then cue college where i joined (an amazing) sorority, and bam! was instantly surrounded by a lot of awesome girls who made seemingly easy friendships. i'm sure it comes as no shocker that i'm pretty reserved and really private (this foray into the blogging world is truly a new type of vulnerability). my personality does not have the capacity to have 87 close friends and certainly not 20 best friends. i also thought a best friend had to meet every friendship need and aspect of my life and personality, and i have a best friend who challenged that mindset in college. she said there are different people in her life that fulfill different roles for her; they all add up to the one whole person she needs to go through life with (besides her husband), but each friend holds her accountable for and teaches her different things. cue light bulb.
i can honestly say i hadn't really opened up to anyone (besides mark) about deep feelings that i could be judged for, critiqued for, or talked about until the last few years...because let's be serious...if you REALLY knew me, would you still want to be my best friend? i have one best friend who has always encouraged me to be my best self and has always shared the ways i have impacted her life for the better (and you have no idea what a gift those words are for this words of affirmation girl right here). however, recently, she shared that i asked her (years ago) how she was doing (knowing the answer was not the answer she gave me), and she said i pushed her to be real and authentic with me because i said that best friends are real and genuine and love each other no matter what. well, good for you, jenny, but how often did i take my own advice? yeah...about that...what a novel idea. i was a good best friend; a safe place for people to land and an absolute no judgement zone that i tried to fill with grace. yet...
it took me a really long time to let other people be the friend to me that i tried to be with them. it has taken me many years to really cultivate my best friendships, and trust is at the top of my requirements. i want girlfriends in my life who are a safe place for my thoughts, feelings, and processing to land. i want girlfriends who will call my bluff and make me keep talking, even when i don't want to. i want girlfriends who will challenge me and push back when i say things they either disagree with or when they know that action/thought/etc. doesn't help me become who they know i want to be. and i want best friends who know all of me--the good, the bad, the ugly, the messy, the best moments--all of it. i want best friends who are my biggest cheerleaders for my successes and see my success as their own instead of a competition.
throughout lucy's whole life, from finding out about her extra special chromosome and heart defect at 13 weeks pregnant through now, i have had an amazing opportunity to really evaluate and pour into these best friends of mine. i watched as this core group rallied around me to meet my needs (whether it be a text with words of encouragement, a visit to the hospital with coffee or food, or coming by the house with coffee, food, or just themselves as an adult to talk to). i have learned (thanks to lucy) that these are my people, my best friends. there are no unmet expectations with them--just the expectation that we love each other and want the best for each other and are here for each other--no matter what.
i can count my best friends on one hand. and i have picked each one up at different times in my life (a really, really awesome thing, if you ask me). i have one from middle school, one from high school, one from college, one from my teaching days, and one from becoming a mommy. all five of these girls are married, two have kids, and all are invaluable to me growing into the person i am supposed to be.
so, i titled this entry "an inch wide & a mile deep." that's because my best friends are not many, but they sure are deep friendships. if you, like me, long for that deep female friendship connection, is there any part of you holding yourself back from being loved well by your people? let's all let our guards down for our "few," because when you are fully loved and fully known, truly beautiful things start to happen both within your friendship and within yourself.
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