hi y'all! before i begin, i am so sorry for my delay in the blogging world! i wrote the entry below about "the plan" and immediately planned to write my next post about lucy's heart defect and status. well, i was waiting until i really knew her full picture and plan for her next surgery before i did, and i wanted to follow thru on my word, so i haven't posted since then! that being said, i am going to skip her heart story for now (don't worry, i'll definitely come back to it...several times), and i am going to try to blog about our journey as we travel this road with lucy now in heaven!
the phrase "losing a child is something a parent never recovers from" has been swimming around in my head this past week. whenever i hear phrases over and over, i always try to pause and pray and see what the Lord is trying to tell me. well, we heard the phrase in an episode of the blacklist (we're a bit behind) as well as i had a friend say it about someone else. i have been bothered by that phrase, and it took me a while to figure out why.
well, i am a bit of an overachiever and perfectionist (shocker, i know), so i think the insinuation of "not recovering" to me has meant that i will remain damaged or broken or insert whatever word you want here. i don't know about you, but i do not like the way that sounds or what that may mean for my future. [yes i know we are all broken in the Christian meaning of the word, but i am referring to it in a different way here].
so, i decided to look up the definition of recover, and when i did, it read: "return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength." (thank you, google!) and there you go...that is why i have been bothered. because it most definitely is true then that i will not recover from "losing" lucy (though we all know where she is, and she's always in our hearts) because i won't return to the same person i was before she got her angel wings. and you know what? i wouldn't want to.
what? why? how does that make sense? well, let's break down the definition of recover. first, return to a normal state of health. lucy's entire journey has shown me how important it is to take care of your body...especially when it starts as perfectly healthy. now granted, i ate terribly while lucy was in the hospital, but hospital calories don't count, right?! lucy has made me want to be and remain active, always...for her honor. second, return to a normal state of mind. never will i be the same or have the same thought process about anything. i have had a REALLY good look at what is important in life and how to live each day to the fullest. there are many, many things that will no longer be an inconvenience or annoyance because i have one of the ultimate perspectives on life. lastly, return to a normal state of strength. umm...no thank you. i have known faith and Jesus like never before, and i wouldn't want to go back to my comfortable Christianity. lucy had and has a tremendous Kingdom impact and purpose, and it is up to me to fulfill it and honor it all of the days of my life.
so, no, i won't ever recover from "losing" lucy, but i can honestly say, i don't want to. i know i will be a better mom, wife, person, friend, etc. because of my sweet little girl and all of the lessons i am just now beginning to process and put words to. she was a precious and perfect gift, and it is truly my honor to be able to honor her with how i live.
Friday, June 17, 2016
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
THE plan
i am all about a plan. i try to plan as much of my day, week, life that i am able to. i have big dreams and big goals. BUT i serve an even BIGGER God! i grew up hearing, "keep telling God your plans, and he'll laugh" from different adults, though thankfully never my parents. i have always really disliked this statement. i think it's important to plan...to dream...to set goals. i think God wants to know every desire of your heart. but, i have also always prayed to stay in the will of God and to be able to have discernment when it comes to knowing the difference between MY plan and THE plan.
little lucy's diagnosis is probably the biggest (and obviously most recent) deviation of my plan from God's plan, but wow did God make this plan clear and amazing! i cannot wait to share with you throughout my posts on how He went before us to prepare us for lucy, and how He continues to show up every. single. day.
i will start with having babies. i've always wanted to have my first baby at 25 (check) and my second at 27 (check)...i also wanted to have my last baby before 30 and used to think i wanted four kiddos all two years apart...somehow that math doesn't really work unless i have twins (and that is not in MY plan)! i digress...anyway, back to baby number 2, sweet lucy! i really wanted our kiddos two years apart, but we started trying for baby number 2 shortly after ellie turned one (i know, that would put them closer than two years). well, i got pregnant and had an early miscarriage at four/five weeks in december of 2014. i know miscarriages are common and immediately knew this was God's plan; of course i was sad, but it was a "chemical" pregnancy which means had i not taken the test when i did but waited a week, i would have never known i was pregnant because that baby was not meant to be from the start. for one, i joked with my husband that God knew i didn't want a summer baby for baby number 2 (clearly i have issues...and we are firm believers in you laugh or you''ll cry). but for two, and more importantly, had i carried that baby to birth and beyond, we would have never gotten the gift of lucy. i know that was God's plan for preparing the way for her.
we found out about lucy's strong likelihood of having t21 (trisomy 21 or down syndrome) at my 13 week ultrasound. my OB practice sends every pregnant mom to the perinatologist for their 13 and 20 week ultrasounds. i haven't ever requested any specific doctor because i've never had a need to. so the day of our appointment, it snowed and iced like crazy. needless to say the appointment was rescheduled. cue God's plan for the specific doctor he wanted us to have. we went to our rescheduled appointment and was told something was not right with the baby. the sweetest man (doctor) told us in a very gentle way that lucy had a 50/50 chance to survive the next few weeks, and if she did, she would most likely have down syndrome and a heart defect. can we please pause at the fact they could tell all of these things at 13 weeks pregnant?! that is insane! we had chromosome testing done that day (i will write a post about the testing we had done and why later).
we had our two year old, ellie, with us in the appointment that day, and we had mark's mom come and get her. we processed through the potential diagnosis with the doctor, and he only had very positive and encouraging things to say about people and life with down syndrome. we also met with the genetics counselor who told us from lucy's given potential diagnosis and what they saw in the ultrasound that it was legal to end sweet lucy's life if we chose to. i think mark and i just stared at the guy and gave him a look that said "i'm sure that did not come out of your mouth, that's not an option, next..." i know they are doing their job, but... (you can look forward to a future post about the staggering rate of abortions in prenatally diagnosed babies with t21).
so, we went home and just kind of laid in the bed all day. for me, i was worried about losing our baby, our gift, growing inside me. i honestly didn't care about the down syndrome diagnosis. i could deal with that; i just wanted our baby to make it! i never thought i wouldn't have a child with special needs, though don't mishear me, because i didn't necessarily think i would either. but that was not as worrisome to me as losing our baby was. we took that one day to let the reality of what could be sink in and decided that from that day on, this was going to be our journey, and we were going to do it to the best of our ability.
we got the confirmation a few days later that lucy did indeed have t21. okay. we can handle that...we still had a few more days until our next appointment to see if our sweet girl was still with us. when we got to our next appointment, our doctor was the only one in the room. he later told us he did that on purpose because given what he saw last time, he didn't think she would make it to that day. he had noticed fluid (heart failure) all over her body, and in the next appointment, it was all gone! Praise the LORD! we were so grateful lucy overcame her first obstacle and were ready to start planning and dreaming about life with our new little girl!
once we got home, we started talking about God's plan for our family and how His plan is different than what we originally imagined. however, we noticed time and time again where God had gone before us to let us know not only is the journey going to be okay one day, it is going to be great today. mark was scheduled to cross travel with a man he normally does not travel with three weeks following lucy's diagnosis. and, you guessed it, he has a twenty-something year old daughter with down syndrome. God is amazing!! my husband also worked closely with a guy who has a son with down syndrome, and mark and i had met the son at a christmas party. mark actually had a visit planned with this guy (in pittsburgh) the week of our diagnosis as well as the week after! these two Godly men were placed in mark's path for God's plan and purpose! mark was also given the draw the circle book by mark batterson (if you haven't read it, you should!) for christmas, and mark knows that was just what he needed to be reading during this time. it talks about circling your biggest hopes, dreams, fears, etc. in prayer and had a 40 day prayer challenge to go with it.
i immediately started thinking of the positive ways down syndrome would impact our life (more on that later). let's face it, lucy's diagnosis wasn't going to change, and i wasn't going to mourn or think about "what if" or "what could have been." i totally get everyone processes things differently, and i absolutely think there is no right or wrong way to process something like this. but for me, i couldn't go there because it was wasted energy to me. God was giving us lucy, and i was going to do my best to be the best for her. ellie experienced tremendous joy while she was growing inside me, and i had a friend tell me that lucy deserved to experience as much joy while developing inside me as ellie did. i absolutely loved that, and i vowed to make sure she did! i also didn't want to take away from the next 5 precious months of ellie's life with a cloud over it; i am in this life to live everyday to its fullest and savor every moment, and i hope i die continuing to try to do that!
mark and i did our best to try to connect with people within our circle who had a child with down syndrome or a heart defect during the remainder of lucy's pregnancy. i was encouraged immensely by medical professionals, family, and friends. i purposely tried not to read too much because i know we have a lot coming our way in the future. i will be mindful and planful, but i'm still just trying to stay in the moment our family is in.
i cannot wait to tell you more about our little family's life with our hilarious and joyful two year old, ellie, or sweet and strong 5 month old lucy! my next blog post will be about lucy's heart defect, her surgery, and how that journey is the current one we're in the middle of! thank you for taking the time to come alongside me and read about our journey!
little lucy's diagnosis is probably the biggest (and obviously most recent) deviation of my plan from God's plan, but wow did God make this plan clear and amazing! i cannot wait to share with you throughout my posts on how He went before us to prepare us for lucy, and how He continues to show up every. single. day.
i will start with having babies. i've always wanted to have my first baby at 25 (check) and my second at 27 (check)...i also wanted to have my last baby before 30 and used to think i wanted four kiddos all two years apart...somehow that math doesn't really work unless i have twins (and that is not in MY plan)! i digress...anyway, back to baby number 2, sweet lucy! i really wanted our kiddos two years apart, but we started trying for baby number 2 shortly after ellie turned one (i know, that would put them closer than two years). well, i got pregnant and had an early miscarriage at four/five weeks in december of 2014. i know miscarriages are common and immediately knew this was God's plan; of course i was sad, but it was a "chemical" pregnancy which means had i not taken the test when i did but waited a week, i would have never known i was pregnant because that baby was not meant to be from the start. for one, i joked with my husband that God knew i didn't want a summer baby for baby number 2 (clearly i have issues...and we are firm believers in you laugh or you''ll cry). but for two, and more importantly, had i carried that baby to birth and beyond, we would have never gotten the gift of lucy. i know that was God's plan for preparing the way for her.
we found out about lucy's strong likelihood of having t21 (trisomy 21 or down syndrome) at my 13 week ultrasound. my OB practice sends every pregnant mom to the perinatologist for their 13 and 20 week ultrasounds. i haven't ever requested any specific doctor because i've never had a need to. so the day of our appointment, it snowed and iced like crazy. needless to say the appointment was rescheduled. cue God's plan for the specific doctor he wanted us to have. we went to our rescheduled appointment and was told something was not right with the baby. the sweetest man (doctor) told us in a very gentle way that lucy had a 50/50 chance to survive the next few weeks, and if she did, she would most likely have down syndrome and a heart defect. can we please pause at the fact they could tell all of these things at 13 weeks pregnant?! that is insane! we had chromosome testing done that day (i will write a post about the testing we had done and why later).
we had our two year old, ellie, with us in the appointment that day, and we had mark's mom come and get her. we processed through the potential diagnosis with the doctor, and he only had very positive and encouraging things to say about people and life with down syndrome. we also met with the genetics counselor who told us from lucy's given potential diagnosis and what they saw in the ultrasound that it was legal to end sweet lucy's life if we chose to. i think mark and i just stared at the guy and gave him a look that said "i'm sure that did not come out of your mouth, that's not an option, next..." i know they are doing their job, but... (you can look forward to a future post about the staggering rate of abortions in prenatally diagnosed babies with t21).
so, we went home and just kind of laid in the bed all day. for me, i was worried about losing our baby, our gift, growing inside me. i honestly didn't care about the down syndrome diagnosis. i could deal with that; i just wanted our baby to make it! i never thought i wouldn't have a child with special needs, though don't mishear me, because i didn't necessarily think i would either. but that was not as worrisome to me as losing our baby was. we took that one day to let the reality of what could be sink in and decided that from that day on, this was going to be our journey, and we were going to do it to the best of our ability.
we got the confirmation a few days later that lucy did indeed have t21. okay. we can handle that...we still had a few more days until our next appointment to see if our sweet girl was still with us. when we got to our next appointment, our doctor was the only one in the room. he later told us he did that on purpose because given what he saw last time, he didn't think she would make it to that day. he had noticed fluid (heart failure) all over her body, and in the next appointment, it was all gone! Praise the LORD! we were so grateful lucy overcame her first obstacle and were ready to start planning and dreaming about life with our new little girl!
once we got home, we started talking about God's plan for our family and how His plan is different than what we originally imagined. however, we noticed time and time again where God had gone before us to let us know not only is the journey going to be okay one day, it is going to be great today. mark was scheduled to cross travel with a man he normally does not travel with three weeks following lucy's diagnosis. and, you guessed it, he has a twenty-something year old daughter with down syndrome. God is amazing!! my husband also worked closely with a guy who has a son with down syndrome, and mark and i had met the son at a christmas party. mark actually had a visit planned with this guy (in pittsburgh) the week of our diagnosis as well as the week after! these two Godly men were placed in mark's path for God's plan and purpose! mark was also given the draw the circle book by mark batterson (if you haven't read it, you should!) for christmas, and mark knows that was just what he needed to be reading during this time. it talks about circling your biggest hopes, dreams, fears, etc. in prayer and had a 40 day prayer challenge to go with it.
i immediately started thinking of the positive ways down syndrome would impact our life (more on that later). let's face it, lucy's diagnosis wasn't going to change, and i wasn't going to mourn or think about "what if" or "what could have been." i totally get everyone processes things differently, and i absolutely think there is no right or wrong way to process something like this. but for me, i couldn't go there because it was wasted energy to me. God was giving us lucy, and i was going to do my best to be the best for her. ellie experienced tremendous joy while she was growing inside me, and i had a friend tell me that lucy deserved to experience as much joy while developing inside me as ellie did. i absolutely loved that, and i vowed to make sure she did! i also didn't want to take away from the next 5 precious months of ellie's life with a cloud over it; i am in this life to live everyday to its fullest and savor every moment, and i hope i die continuing to try to do that!
mark and i did our best to try to connect with people within our circle who had a child with down syndrome or a heart defect during the remainder of lucy's pregnancy. i was encouraged immensely by medical professionals, family, and friends. i purposely tried not to read too much because i know we have a lot coming our way in the future. i will be mindful and planful, but i'm still just trying to stay in the moment our family is in.
i cannot wait to tell you more about our little family's life with our hilarious and joyful two year old, ellie, or sweet and strong 5 month old lucy! my next blog post will be about lucy's heart defect, her surgery, and how that journey is the current one we're in the middle of! thank you for taking the time to come alongside me and read about our journey!
Sunday, January 10, 2016
hi y'all! it's me, jenny.
hi y'all! it's me, jenny. i have been wanting to blog for a long time about this and that, and i finally feel like the time is now, so here i go! bear with me along the journey...i would love for you to come alongside me and share in my journey, and hopefully i, too, can learn a little about yours! i am a deep thinker by nature, but i haven't ever been one to write down my thoughts. i'm not sure why that is--maybe because i'm more math brained and analytical and maybe because it's pretty vulnerable to put your thoughts out there.
i have wanted to blog because i feel like i have searched for certain articles or perspectives on different things, and i haven't found the words or encouragement i was looking for. i love real, genuine people who tell it like it is, but i also lean very heavily on the positive side of life. life is such a gift and the living is such a journey!
i absolutely love my life and feel a big calling to use the way God has wired me for His glory and to lead people to Him! i don't want this blog to be about me but about what i'm learning along the way in the hopes it gives you encouragement, a new perspective, or starts a conversation! so, thank you for walking beside me...and let's journey together!
i have wanted to blog because i feel like i have searched for certain articles or perspectives on different things, and i haven't found the words or encouragement i was looking for. i love real, genuine people who tell it like it is, but i also lean very heavily on the positive side of life. life is such a gift and the living is such a journey!
i absolutely love my life and feel a big calling to use the way God has wired me for His glory and to lead people to Him! i don't want this blog to be about me but about what i'm learning along the way in the hopes it gives you encouragement, a new perspective, or starts a conversation! so, thank you for walking beside me...and let's journey together!
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