heaven's in my heart

"mommy? is heaven in my heart?" will be one of those moments that will be etched in my heart forever.  since lucy's passing, we have had MANY conversations about angels and heaven and Jesus and all of the beautiful promises about eternal life in our home.  and in case you're just tuning into my blog, i don't have a seminary degree, and i haven't read every word in the bible [or let's be real...anywhere close to that]; however, i've had the gift of my daughter lucy whose life [and death] has made me, as a believer, dig deep, think about big things, and answer deep questions.

we often discuss how lucy is an angel who lives in heaven with Jesus and how she is healthy and healed.  when loved ones have died since lucy's passing [or ellie learns of loved ones who passed away before lucy], we always talk about how they're in heaven with lucy and there's no more sickness or sadness for them.  and how when we're hopefully really old, we'll die and go to heaven too and then live with lucy and Jesus forever.

i don't pretend to have all of the answers about heaven [or otherwise for that matter] when i'm conversing with ellie.  oftentimes, i'll say, "i don't know.  that's a great question!  we'll have to find out when we live in heaven!" or "i don't know. that's a great question!  let's ask God when we get to heaven!"  these are great [and truthful] answers to the questions like...do we wear clothes in heaven, do we live in a house in heaven, etc.  i honestly haven't thought of many of the questions ellie poses...like if we still get older in heaven?  my answer: maybe we do and just keep getting older for eternity?  i tell her i like to think of lucy as having had her second birthday in august, and she'll always be between ellie and charlie in age.

ellie has gotten into drawing our family recently and had drawn a family picture with lucy in it as a little girl, and i told her lucy needed a halo and angel wings because she's an angel now.  these are her first two independent "lucys".  i keep the left one in my agenda because it is just a happy picture.  she drew the right one on her minnie magnetic drawing pad and said, "fly, lucy, fly!" after she finished it.  if those aren't the sweetest angels you've seen, i don't know what is!

heaven is an astonishing place and state to ponder.  truthfully, i haven't spent much time pondering heaven prior to lucy because i just took it in faith that as a christian, i'll go there and live eternally worshipping Jesus when i die...what more did i need to think about?  WELL...since lucy's passing, i will often just pause to picture her running around in heaven, or eating too much cake on her birthday, or popping by to say hello through her wind chimes.  mark and i even joke when our life is chaotic that lucy got out of the madness when she could and how she gets to live in glory until we're all reunited [and we truly believe heaven is unequivocally the most amazing place to be].

within the last year, i read a book by emily freeman called simply tuesday.  in her introduction, she says...

When Jesus said to seek first the kingdom of God, where did he intend for us to look?  And how will we know when we've found it? [. . .]

Someone once pointed out to me how, even though we always think of heaven as up--beyond the clouds, above the weather, and over the rainbow--it may not actually be far up.  

"What if," this person wondered, "heaven is simply one inch above the ground?"  

It's still up, but it's not so far away.  Instead the kingdom of God exists right here in the moments where we live.

i probably think about that concept daily...that heaven is all around us.  it has brought me great comfort and great joy!  but then, leave it to my sweet girl, to make heaven that much more present.  we were climbing into her bed one night for stories, songs, and snuggles, and she asked me if heaven was in her heart.  i had never thought about heaven being in my heart before, but thanks to emily freeman, i had begun to shift my thinking from heaven being "over the rainbow".

i told ellie that heaven could absolutely be in our heart.  Jesus [and the Holy Spirit] is in our heart, and so is lucy, and they live in heaven...so why couldn't heaven be in our heart?!  she seemed satisfied with this answer, and we moved on to our bedtime routine, but i will never forget the moment she made me think about heaven being in my heart.

so now, when i think about heaven...i like to think that heaven is in us, around us, above us...and always in our heart.  and that if we pause long enough to be still and to feel God's presence, we'll get a tiny sliver of a glimpse of heaven.

house schedule

hey friends!  i'm going to talk about how to schedule your tidying and chores around the house as well as discuss a division of labor between you, your spouse, your roommate...whoo hoo!

one of my favorite john maxwell quotes is: "if you do the things you need to do when you need to do them, then someday you can do the things you want to do when you want to do them." i would say this is 100% my attitude when tidying up and cleaning around the house.  if you're able to do a little each day, then staying on top of house organization/cleaning isn't so overwhelming.  doing a little each day also factors in those days when you're not able to get the tasks done because life....but then you can just do those a different day [or "make up" day on saturday].  when you wait for the weekends to do all of the tasks and cleaning, it can make you almost dread the weekend, or if something fun comes up, you may either a) feel guilty for saying yes to the activity because that means saying no to your home duties or b) say yes and just add to the overwhelm at home because you have "no time" to get things done or c) have to say no because it is your only time to do housework.

let's start with an often loathed task--laundry.  there are two methods to this madness.  if you have a work from home/stay at home job, you may find you like having a laundry day.  that means throughout this day, you are doing all of your loads of laundry and ideally folding and putting away.  i would not recommend this system for those who work outside of the home [or even those who are at home] because it puts unrealistic expectations on the laundry-doer to get all of the laundry done on one day.  if you work outside of the home, i would recommend putting a load in the washer when you leave for work, then flip the laundry and put it in the dryer when you get home.  i do not always fold my clothes after each load, but when the dryer beeps, i will pull each item out and lay it flat [in one pile], so it does not wrinkle [the incessant tumbling or rewashing doesn't work for me].  i can elaborate more on my laundry philosophies in another post.

now onto the other tasks.  i like to have bigger tasks assigned to days.  more often than not, since i stay at home, the housework is my job.  i tend to be our organizer/clean(er) one [shocker, i know]...although mark is definitely on board and helps around the house a good bit.  i know division of labor questions have come up about how to know who does what.  i would suggest a few ways to handle that.  first, you can sit down with your spouse/roommate and decide what, if any, specific roles you have.  for example, i do not like dishes, so mark does them.  if he is out of town, i will do the dishes, but if he's here, odds are not high the spirit moves me to do that task!  another method could be to assign tasks to certain days and you both do them together, or a third way could be to assign yourself days [you could do even/odd calendar days or MWF/TTH and switch each week], then that person is assigned for the tasks of that day.

there are tasks that need to be done daily as well as weekly.  using the systems mentioned above, i would decide how it's best to divide and conquer the tasks for you and your family.  for the daily tasks, you can switch days, or if you find one of you is a morning person then have them do the daily morning tasks and the night owl can do the daily evening tasks.

i think it's important that each person cleans out their own car each day as well as puts their own junk [shoes, car keys, bags, etc.] in their respective places.  when everyone takes care of their own specific things, it makes the whole house tasks that much more manageable.  here is a system that seems to work for me/my family.  hear me when i say that by no means does this get accomplished in this way, on this day, and 100% every week.  but it's a great guide for me to see what all needs to be done in a weeks' time, and it helps me stay on top of the housework.

take my table of tasks, and tweak it for what works best for you and your family.  if you try it one way, and you don't feel like it will be successful in the long run, adjust it until you find the sweet spot!  and don't wait to start trying to figure out a system!  today is tuesday--seize the day and start with cleaning your bathrooms and the kitchen!  by this time next week, your entire house will have been cleaned, and you'll be on track to stay on top of it!

do you have any other questions or thoughts about making cleaning/organizing systems and schedules?  i hope this post was encouraging and helpful--you can stay on top of your tasks and make it manageable [and dare i say, enjoyable?!...okay, i won't go that far]!  hope you have a happy day!

organize a newborn nursery

before i start, thank y'all so much for humoring a girl with a passion to organize by following along! the first question i got on "how to organize" was about how to organize a newborn nursery.  i will do my best to show systems that have worked for me and others!  however, i should also add the caveat that while i love pretty spaces, i am moderately practical in set up and decor in a nursery because the room is used in such a short time frame (and the nursery "look" is really for you, not the baby)! :) also, please bear with me as i write my first "how to" post.  i will try to make it as clear and concise as possible!

i would recommend having as few "baby specific" pieces of furniture as possible, so the pieces can transition to big boy/girl rooms.  i would also recommend having simple decor for a boy/girl because then it's easy to replace/update for your next baby.

i will take you through charlie's nursery and my "method to the madness."  charlie's room has an unusually big closet, but i still managed the same organization in the nursery closet in our last home too.

this is charlie's nursery.  it has (from left): a bookshelf, a glider, a crib,
a monkey seat, a "changing table," and a basket of lovies.

i will start with an explanation of what furniture i have in the room and how i organize it, and then i will move into the closet!

bookshelf

i wanted a bookshelf that i could put in any room for any reason.  i have a cd player and frame on top (and as you can see, i still need to add a picture).  i have a basket for toys on the top shelf (*i only keep toys in the nursery, but i do not keep toys in kids' rooms...more on that when we get to organizing kids' rooms).  then i keep books on the bottom shelf for easy access!

"changing table"

i fell in love with this piece of furniture when i was pregnant with ellie, and we bought it for our changing table. as you can see, there isn't a changing pad on the top, and that's because i just decided it was easier for me to change my babies on the carpet (i always have the new diaper under the current diaper, so no bare bottoms are on the carpet...i am still a bit of a germ freak).  anyway, onto what i store in the piece.  i put the extra diaper genie liners and diaper cream in the top left drawer, and i store new pacis and paci clips in the top right drawer.  i have used this piece of furniture with both baskets, one basket, and no baskets.  i currently have nighttime diapers, daytime diapers, and wipes in the top basket, and i have board books in the bottom basket.  i do not like to see a lot of "stuff", so the baskets help keep stuff out of sight while still being easily accessible.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

now onto your greatest asset or the bane of your existence...the closet!  my favorite way to organize a baby nursery is to put a dresser (or some sort of storage that will hold folded items) in the closet.  there are a lot of little baby items that will be needed, and a dresser (or the cubby system with pull out baskets/open shelving) is a great way to organize them.  baskets can be your best friends!

dresser in closet

i will tell you what i keep in the drawers for my babies.  i will go thru them by their numbers:

1. at first, i keep little items in here: socks, hats, mittens (for newborn scratching); then i transition to socks and shorts or pants depending on the season (as well as swim suits)
2. i keep swaddle/muslin blankets in here
3. i keep baby blankets in here (like the kind you use in the stroller or for snuggling)
4. i keep white essentials in here: snap shirts, onesies, footie pjs...anything solid white
5. i keep swaddles for sleeping in here (like the swaddleme, woombie, sleep sack, etc.) as well as burp cloths
6. i keep sheets/blankets in here: bassinet sheets, pack n play sheets, extra crib mattress pad and sheet

all of these above items do not have to go into dresser drawers, but it is a good way to group them together whether in cubbies, sterilite tubs, baskets, etc.


i would suggest two ways to do current clothes.

1. hang all clothes, including onesies.  this is a little bit of work after laundry (depending on how particular you are about buttoning onesies and such, but this is a great visual of the clothes baby has, and will show the length of the body of the outfits, so you will know when to rotate the clothes out. (this is the method that i use; see picture below)    
2. hang only "nice" outfits, and fold footie pajamas and play clothes.  drawer dividers are great for these, so you can fold the footies small, and just line them all up for easy access.  once you notice a few items are getting snug, take a moment to pull out the clothes to compare sizes, so you can retire some outfits and mix in the bigger size.

up close of hanging clothes

i hang clothes by type.  once they're in their type, i will organize each type by size.  for example, the footie pajamas go from current size to one size bigger.  the types i organize by, in order, are: onesies, rompers, collared rompers, footie pjs, and "nice" outfits on the right (see pano below)

panorama of closet

i use a hanging shoe cubby (on far left) to hold burp cloths and random items (like the sound machine and extra camera for the monitor).  i am a firm believer of keeping all baby things in the nursery/closet.  so, i keep the pack n play in the nursery closet as well as all boxes of diapers.  i also keep things in "storage" in the closet; i will describe how and what i store things below.

shelves in closet

i store my baby wraps, humidifier, and tubs of baby gear in the closet.  i will go through the contents of these tubs, by number:

1. this tub has extra diapers that i still have left over from when ellie was in diapers; i kept these because diapers are real money, and we knew we wanted more kiddos
2. this tub has all of my breastfeeding/pumping gear
3. this tub has anything baby/toddler that will be used while a kiddo is sleeping in a crib...for example: car seat cover, shopping cart cover, car seat insert, sippy cups, etc.
4. this tub has clothes for the future (whether the immediate next size needed or 2T); we don't have too many future boy clothes at the moment

i also have all of my girl nursery decor/bedding in this closet bc it is for a baby.  if your closet does not have the space, then i would store all of that in another storage space.  once clothes have been worn and are "sized out", i fill a tub (like these sterilite ones shown), and label the sizes contained within.  i will do a post on outgrown clothes/school work/keepsakes soon.

i hope this post answered your questions, gave you some ideas, or let you tweak your systems to be a little more organized for what works for you!  are there any areas of a nursery you still have questions about or wish i had covered more?

i hope y'all had a wonderful holiday weekend and are starting this four day week fully rejuvenated!

tis the season...to organize!

well hello there!  it has been a hot minute, to say the least, since i wrote my last blog post.  i hope to get into the rhythm of blogging more this school year.  i don't know about y'all, but i am always re-energized by the start of school...new school supplies, new teachers, fresh starts, etc.  now granted, ellie is only going into the 3's class for preschool, but the start of school [no matter how big or small] still brings an enticing energy with it!

i have at least twenty different topics i have journaled about that i want to share on here, but organizing has been on my mind and my heart for quite some time.  just recently, one of my best friends said i should look into virtual organizing for clients, and i have to admit that i'm pretty intrigued by the idea.

i believe we're wired by God to love and to crave order.  God created the world and everything in it in a very specific and intentional order.  i think He's created humans to crave order as well (probably why i majored math education and became a math teacher too).  i am slightly on the obsessive side of being organized, but i like to think that i channel my issues for good...amirite?!

after talking with several friends and gleaning different things from books, i truly believe the start of overwhelm for people is their home environment.  home can feed the constant dread and frozen feeling of not knowing where to start, or it can be the peace and calm in a world that hypes up busyness and productivity.  once someone's home environment is run by simple systems, i truly believe people have more time and energy [whether they really do or it's just perceived] to fill their time with the things they love.

without question, our saving grace during lucy's life was the fact that everything had a spot in our home, and everything had simple systems.  we could come and go and have friends and family pop in to help us when we were in divide and conquer mode and still be able to tell them exactly where things were and exactly how things worked.  i also believe this gave ellie GREAT consistency and expectation during [what i've really realized looking back] was a very chaotic and unpredictable time [i will write more on kids and home environment in another post].  at least we all knew what to expect in our home and could leave immediately to go to the hospital without worrying if we had our junk together.  historically, we have not been spontaneous people, especially when it comes to vacations, but we have decided and left day of to go to disney at least two times in the past year.  this is because we can wake up, tidy up, and exit without feeling guilty that we [let's be honest, me] were abandoning work on the home front.

in my brief stint as an organizer [after i taught school and before i had lucy], i learned that most people are so overwhelmed by stuff that they just don't know where to start.  their energy levels are less at home because they walk in and immediately put weight on their shoulders...so they get even less done at home than they typically could because they can't start.  i also understand most of the world doesn't want their home to be perfect, just somewhat put together where love can live there.  i will even say for me, that my home is not picture perfect during the days.  we have baby toys, little girl toys, and random papers i'm working on on the floors and on the counter.  BUT, i can take 30 minutes every night and return things to their "place," so we're all set when the morning comes.

it also helps to come up with a purpose/vision statement for your home, and that will help you decide how simplified, minimalist, or organized you want your home to be.  we live in the home we do because we want space for our kiddos to play, for friends and family to gather and comfortably stay, and to keep an open door for friends and family to stop by anytime.  so, we have organized and simplified to the degree that will allow us to successfully do that.  but don't mishear me, because we also won't turn company away if we're in the middle of transitioning closets or have stuff "all around."

so, on this first day of september, my question for you is this...would you like more posts about specific areas/systems to organize?  if so, what questions do you have or places do you want to cover?

happy friday to all and happy football season!  wahoo!

you do you

y'all.  it has been forever and a day since i have blogged.  i have a journal that has pages of topics/thoughts i want to blog about, but instead of going "backwards" or filling in my missing blogging gap, i'm just going to start right where i am today!

feeding baby.  whew...what a hotly debated topic.  people die on their swords (this momma being a reformed obsessed new momma) over this topic and women can feel amazing or down right terrible depending on their feeding choices and what the voices in their head are telling them.

i have always wanted to be a mommy, and a stay-at-home mommy, at that.  that has been my biggest hope and dream since i can remember...to have the privilege of raising our kiddos to hopefully grow up to love Jesus and affect change for our entire generational line--talk about purpose! [that will be a topic for another day.]  since being a mommy has been my life's dream, then i was going to be the best. mommy. ever.  obviously the best mom's breastfeed for a year, so by golly that's what i was going to do [please note: last sentence is a tad facetious].

when i had ellie, she made me a stay at home mom to one easy-peasy baby.  when it came to feeding her, it was a no-brainer, i was going to breastfeed.  fortunately for me, i had ample milk supply; ellie nursed without a single problem, and off we went.  i nursed her for a year, and i will admit, i loved most of it and was very proud of our accomplishment.  when i look back at that year with ellie, i savor the moments we had snuggling and bonding with each other, and i felt empowered that i alone could sustain her nutrition.  i would have DIED if someone would have mentioned the F word (ahem, formula) because that was a big ol' F word in my book.

now what wasn't seen during that year nursing ellie was the fact that i literally nursed ellie for a year.  i think ellie may have taken a bottle 15-20 at the most during her first year of life.  but wait...you may be thinking, "how did jenny go anywhere without ellie? don't babies have a pretty tight feeding window? why did she not pump?" well, you are observant.  i didn't leave ellie much anywhere at anytime because i don't like to pump, and i wasn't going to do that.  but goodness gracious, i certainly wasn't going to offer formula either.

then i had my sweet lucy.  similarly, i was going to breastfeed lucy because she definitely needed my antibodies and good stuff from momma's milk.  God was gracious to grant me three sweet months of bonding through nursing with lucy.  i was told babies with down syndrome can't latch or nurse, and i was able to nurse lucy right after delivery...it is one of my most treasured moments.  however, nursing exerted A LOT of energy for my precious cardiac girl, and she needed fortified [higher calorie] food.  i think i tried to pump for a hot minute and fortify her food, but i wasn't able to be the momma i wanted to be to either her or ellie for those few days.  i quickly reevaluated and decided to go to formula for lucy, so i could measure and know what she was getting.  around that time, she was preparing for heart surgery and then would be tube fed for the remaining five months of her life.  i do not regret one single moment of formula feeding lucy because it allowed me to be present with both girls, whether at home or in the hospital...and i could trade off with mark and not have to be solely in charge of the baby because he could feed her too.

now cue the birth of my little handsome man and third baby.  i knew i definitely wanted to nurse charlie after birth and for as long as i wanted [*gasp* can mom's choose to do something *selfish* like that? ;)].  BUT i had also tasted the kool-aide of formula feeding.  i could tell that mentally, charlie and i were not going to make it to a year of breastfeeding.  [side note: one thing that really helped me with ellie is that i didn't complain or utter one negative word about feeding her because it was my choice, and i knew if i expressed frustrations, i would want to quit...that being said, i wasn't experiencing depression or resentment, so please don't misconstrue that advice for hiding postpartum depression if you're struggling.]  well, once charlie was born, my pediatrician suggested giving him one bottle of formula a day to ensure weight gain, and i said yes without hesitation [thank you, lucy].  then, i had to go back to the hospital for two nights, and he was exclusively formula fed while i was gone.  thankfully, he returned to nursing when i got home, but i still gave him a bottle of formula a day.

so, where are we now? right now, charlie eats six times a day, and i try to do three of them from me and three of them are formula.  i had to figure out what is my feeding philosophy and why and then feel 100% confident in my decision.  and since you're dying to know, my philosophy is breast is best.  meaning literally, breast is best.  if i can nurse my baby, hooray and awesome.  i stay at home and am with my kiddos all of the time, so i do not want to pump.  i do not enjoy pumping, and it didn't take me too long to figure that out.  if i am going to give my baby a bottle, i truly don't care if it's breastmilk or formula.  does that make me so weird?  i have no idea, but after really thinking about what works best for me, that's it.

i feel like i'm in a great place with feeding charlie because i can run errands, get dinner with a friend, or whatever the spirit moves me without him needing me.  and we haven't even discussed the fact that mark can participate in feeding and bonding with charlie as well, which i think is really important for dads too.

i hope you feel encouraged to feed your baby in whatever way is best for you and your family.  think about what is important to you and why and adopt a feeding schedule to compliment that.  yes, breastmilk is the best for food for baby, but a mentally stable and happy momma is better for baby and her entire family.  if you need me to encourage you to breastfeed for a year, i'm your girl.  if you need me to encourage you to formula feed right out of the gate, i'm your girl.  if you need me to encourage you to do a hybrid until your supply runs out or you want to stop, i'm your girl.  there is no judgement here...i have just about covered the whole spectrum of feeding when it comes to my three babies.

just know you are doing an amazing job at this mom thing, and you just keep on doing you! :)

fear

i made a lot of time for myself to think and to process various things this summer.  i devoured books that mentored me, challenged me, and inspired me.  i have thought a lot about what motivates me and what "controls" me.  throughout this journey, i kept coming back to the thought of fear and what that means to me and what makes me afraid.  i have never considered myself a fearful person because i didn't think i was really afraid of anything.  well, after some soul searching, i realized i do have fears that i had just mislabeled or not realized.  i've broken my thoughts into three parts: the things that do not make me fearful, the things that used to make me fearful, and what my current/future fear is.

i have never been one to be fearful of things out of my control.  i would like to think i make sound decisions and use good judgement when doing most anything, so if something different than my plan happens, it was meant to be.  i do not worry about the weather, but i do get in the closet without windows in our house during a tornado warning (they have those warnings for a reason)!  i do not worry about my safety or the safety of my family; we wear our seat belts in the car, drive wisely, make educated decisions about where we travel, etc.  i do not worry about my house; my house is my home because of the people who are in it, not things...we live in a safe area, and i'll happily take out the trash at 1am if i'm up and working around the house.  i do not worry about sickness or death for my loved ones or myself; we have one body to take care of (well, maybe more than one if you're a parent), and as long as we eat well, stay active, get check ups, and go to the doctor when in doubt, there is nothing else we can do.  whenever i was worried about lucy to the point that i was uncomfortable caring for her at home, we just journeyed to the ER, and she was always admitted to the hospital.  once we were there, i knew she was in the best possible hands and that God had a great plan for her life, so i can honestly say i was not fraught with worry and fear throughout her life.

so isn't that list lovely?  hooray for me for not being afraid of the things of out my control and the things that would happen once in a lifetime or at the most, rarely.  i'm not sure about you, but that doesn't make me feel empowered at all...and do you want to know why?  because i realized what i used to be afraid of controlled a lot of my words and certainly my actions.  and by used to, i mean i just had this major realization over the summer, and seeing how today is the last day of summer, i'm clearly still working on it. ;)  but what was this culprit that had SUCH a hold on me?  people and their words.  let that sink in for a minute.  the odds of my family or myself being in a place that's the target of a terrorist attack or my house burning down are so slim, it's almost none, so it makes sense to not have a fear of those things.  but the odds of people talking to me?  umm...that would be 100%.  once i was able identify this unknown fear i had, i was able to start to relinquish control of it...with lots of prayers and when needed, counsel.

my love language is words of affirmation.  that means the greatest gift someone can give me is with their words, and consequently, the greatest hurt someone can give me is with their words.  i developed the "disease to please" early in life (i have many theories on why, but that is for several future blog posts), and i think people have used that for good and not for good in my life.  i always wanted to be the best at everything...the best daughter, sister, student, friend, employee...you name it.  whenever i got positive reinforcement or praise for things i did to achieve that "status," i would push myself to be even better next time.

i was always wondering if people were talking about me judgmentally or critically.  when i was in high school, my dad loved to say, "jenny thinks the football players are talking about her in the huddle," meaning, i used to think everyone was always talking about me.  i (thankfully) got over my fear of people talking about me in my early twenties, and i think a big part of that is the self realization that i'm not that important for people to talk about!  i have learned to be confident in who i am as well as strong (and at times vocal) for what i stand for and believe in.  those that know and love me do so because of (and let's be honest, in spite of) the qualities that make me, me.  i am now trying to consistently be my best self, and above all, my true self...not who someone wants me to be, needs me to be, or thinks i should be...just who i am in all of its unique glory.  so now i've named and claimed what specific fear has had a hold on me, i can prayerfully walk through life and relationships without adjusting my words and actions to meet that fear.

my current/future fear is not so much a fear to me, but rather a filter through which i view my life.  i do not want to get to the end of my life having missed the life i was given to live.  as i've said a million times and am probably no where near finished saying, lucy truly taught me the value and meaning of life.  i want to live my life without regret and without hurry.  i want to savor the moments, the meals, the gatherings, and the in between.  i want to live fully alive every day, without fear of the past or my future.  i want to be authentic, compassionate, and kind.  i want to live joyfully and continuously shine the light of Jesus.  i want to operate from love and God's word versus people's expectations.  i want to live a full life for as many days as i have on the earth.

a few ideas on how to love & support grieving loved ones

so i’ve thought for a while about writing this post, and i feel like i’ve had enough time to think about these few things that i’m about to share with you.  maybe you, like me, have stumbled across the articles written about things to do, things not to do, things to say, things not to say, etc. when someone is grieving.  not that the world needs another article written about it, but i thought...what the heck...i’ll share my experience and maybe it’ll help one person somewhere.  i would like to add that i think my list is more of a “how to approach someone going through a challenging time” because i think it can apply to the time period of diagnosis, hospital stays, loss, and probably many more situations.

before i start, i thought i’d give you a quick reminder of my personality and grieving style.  i am a super private person, and i do not like to be vulnerable or seen as vulnerable.  God has taught me a lot about this over the past year, and i’m trying to be better about sharing my story because i think God uses all of our stories to teach us.  my grieving style is thinking and action (versus the third, emotion), and i know this has made it challenging for some people to know how to best help me (i had someone tell me they forget how tough losing lucy must be for me because i come across so strong).

that being said, i can only speak for myself and my experiences, but if you know someone with a personality similar to mine, maybe these ideas will help guide you a little more with how to show your support and love in a way that meets their need.

1. take what they say as what they mean

when i was thirteen weeks pregnant with lucy, we got her prenatal diagnosis of down syndrome and her heart defect. we immediately knew we wanted to share the news those who already knew we were pregnant as well as those that would pray for lucy's growth and development (the doctor gave us a 50/50 chance she'd make it to our next appt). we wrote an email to everyone to let them know what we knew and to ask for specific prayer. we also asked that people not ask about it until we told them we were ready because mark and i wanted to process by ourselves first. the outpouring of texts and emails offering love, support, and encouragement were overwhelming but amazing because almost no one asked for anything in return.

my advice in dealing with more private people like me is to respect their wishes and pray alongside them...knowing that since they shared that information with you in the first place that they'll want to further discuss it once they're ready and able.

2. tell them specific things you will do for them

whenever someone tells me "let me know if there's anything i can do for you" or "just let me know what you need," there is a 100% chance i will say that i so appreciate the offer but i'm good. i do not like the feeling of asking someone for a favor (though i am getting better) or feeling like i am inconveniencing anyone by what i ask. the offerings and help that have meant the most for me have been the specific ones that i am "told" someone is going to do for me. i have loved when i get texts that say "i'm bringing y'all dinner on thursday and leaving it on your porch." this is my favorite because there is no pressure to visit (though we usually want to and look forward to catching up with the sweet deliverer), and you cannot go wrong with food!

mark and i went over a year without a date night with just the two of us. because we had had to ask for help with ellie while juggling lucy's hospital stays, we did not want to ask for further favors to watch ellie and/or lucy because we wanted to spend time by ourselves. i had one person tell me "i am going to keep ellie for you for an afternoon while you do ______." i loved this.

don't be offended if the person doesn't take you up on your specific offer; it may not be good timing or work for them, but i guarantee it will mean the world when you just state what you want to do for them and follow through!

3. be there for their support; don't require support from them

this is a challenging one that i'm still processing through. i like to be a fixer and counselor, so i have suppressed my feelings too many times over the past year in order to help several people process how what we're going through is affecting them. i was guilty of fulfilling what someone else wants and supporting them versus what i may have needed for support at that time.

probably one of the most obvious times for support is right after an event (diagnosis, loss, etc.). if you go to someone's house after said event, be sure you go to support them in whatever ways they may need (they may need you to just send them to bed and deal with their company). also, don't surprise people by just showing up; be sure the person you are going to support knows you are coming. we had many people come in and out the day lucy went to Heaven and experienced a spectrum of support.

moral of the story...be there for the one(s) going through the event and seek your own support from others in your support group while you dig in to help the one(s) in need of love and care.

4. say something

i have read many articles about the right & wrong things to say to someone who is grieving...how not to say that their loved one is in a better place but to say that they are always here, etc. for me, i haven't had someone say "the wrong thing," and apart from someone saying that life is better without lucy (which no one ever would because clearly that's not true), i won't be offended by sentiments of comfort. i believe lucy is in best place ever (though that doesn't remove the ache of wanting her here with me every second), so that statement brings me comfort.

the most hurtful thing i experienced was when someone, who was close to me, said nothing. the silence is truly deafening. i know people don't know what to say...because i would still have no idea what to say to you if you lost a child. i do know that i would say "i don't know what to say" and would ask and bring up the child who has passed away.

always say something. if the person is your close friend or acquaintance on facebook, take the time to write a message, send a note, or give a call. it means more than you'll ever know.