recovery

hi y'all!  before i begin, i am so sorry for my delay in the blogging world!  i wrote the entry below about "the plan" and immediately planned to write my next post about lucy's heart defect and status.  well, i was waiting until i really knew her full picture and plan for her next surgery before i did, and i wanted to follow thru on my word, so i haven't posted since then!  that being said, i am going to skip her heart story for now (don't worry, i'll definitely come back to it...several times), and i am going to try to blog about our journey as we travel this road with lucy now in heaven!

the phrase "losing a child is something a parent never recovers from" has been swimming around in my head this past week.  whenever i hear phrases over and over, i always try to pause and pray and see what the Lord is trying to tell me.  well, we heard the phrase in an episode of the blacklist (we're a bit behind) as well as i had a friend say it about someone else.  i have been bothered by that phrase, and it took me a while to figure out why.

well, i am a bit of an overachiever and perfectionist (shocker, i know), so i think the insinuation of "not recovering" to me has meant that i will remain damaged or broken or insert whatever word you want here.  i don't know about you, but i do not like the way that sounds or what that may mean for my future.  [yes i know we are all broken in the Christian meaning of the word, but i am referring to it in a different way here].

so, i decided to look up the definition of recover, and when i did, it read: "return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength."  (thank you, google!)  and there you go...that is why i have been bothered.  because it most definitely is true then that i will not recover from "losing" lucy (though we all know where she is, and she's always in our hearts) because i won't return to the same person i was before she got her angel wings.  and you know what?  i wouldn't want to.

what? why? how does that make sense?  well, let's break down the definition of recover.  first, return to a normal state of health.  lucy's entire journey has shown me how important it is to take care of your body...especially when it starts as perfectly healthy.  now granted, i ate terribly while lucy was in the hospital, but hospital calories don't count, right?!  lucy has made me want to be and remain active, always...for her honor.  second, return to a normal state of mind.  never will i be the same or have the same thought process about anything.  i have had a REALLY good look at what is important in life and how to live each day to the fullest.  there are many, many things that will no longer be an inconvenience or annoyance because i have one of the ultimate perspectives on life.  lastly, return to a normal state of strength.  umm...no thank you.  i have known faith and Jesus like never before, and i wouldn't want to go back to my comfortable Christianity.  lucy had and has a tremendous Kingdom impact and purpose, and it is up to me to fulfill it and honor it all of the days of my life.

so, no, i won't ever recover from "losing" lucy, but i can honestly say, i don't want to.  i know i will be a better mom, wife, person, friend, etc. because of my sweet little girl and all of the lessons i am just now beginning to process and put words to.  she was a precious and perfect gift, and it is truly my honor to be able to honor her with how i live.