happy birthday, lucy!

sweet lucy would have been one year old today!  we know she is having the biggest and best party with Jesus to celebrate!  i thought long and hard about what i could write about her first birthday, and i think i'll keep it simple and just put what mark and i said at her celebration of life service below.  mark welcomed everyone, and i gave the eulogy.  we love our sweet lucy girl so much and are celebrating the fact that she was being born this time last year and came to us as an amazing gift we didn't deserve or earn!

mark's welcome:
thank you so much for joining us today to celebrate our sweet little girl, lucy.  while we are deeply saddened by her loss, today we celebrate her new life with our Savior.  we hope our time together this morning not only honors her legacy but also honors our Creator...who created all of us in His image...as psalm 139:14 states, "we praise you because we are fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are perfect, we know that full well." lucy is a shining example that God made us perfectly imperfect, and He numbers our days.  it just so happens lucy had fewer days with us here on earth but has a few more than all of us in eternity.  we are so excited that today we can celebrate her homecoming together.

jenny's euglogy:

like mark said, thank you all so much for coming out this morning to help us celebrate the life of our precious lucy! as many of you know, lucy jane rockett was born on august 26, 2015.  we named her lucy jane because lucy means light and jane means God’s gracious gift…and my what a light and gift she was and forever will be!

lucy was born with down syndrome and a complex congenital heart defect; facts we learned about her when i was twelve weeks pregnant.  we had almost her entire pregnancy to prepare for her, learn as much as we could about challenges we could face at birth and after, but most importantly get excited for her!  we knew she was going to be one of our greatest blessings, and she certainly was!  i once had a dear friend say that lucy, like all babies, was a precious gift who just came with a few more bows than typical babies have.  i have forever loved that analogy, and plus—who doesn’t like bows?!  well, over lucy’s sweet and short life, we tried to get her to not like so many bows, but like her sister, she was all about the bows!

we saw lucy for exactly what and who she was—our baby and our lucy!  she was able to come home in the typical time frame after she was born, and we couldn’t wait to start our life as a family of four!  since we knew she was quite fragile because of her heart and upcoming surgery, we tried to keep her protected from germs as best as we could, but we still took her out on adventures and our sweet friends and family came and visited with her!  we took lucy to disney world on thanksgiving and spent a few days in the happiest place on earth.  we were blissfully ignorant of lucy’s true condition, and i am grateful for that time period when knowing less was more.  

lucy had her heart surgery on december 18th , and in true lucy fashion, she had quite the dramatic recovery.  her heart was in far worse shape than any of us or her doctors knew or saw on her echos.  we were told she would most likely require a future valve surgery, but she needed to recover from this one first and grow as big as she could.  the scariest day of my life happened on christmas eve when lucy had a respiratory arrest followed by an 8 minute code.  she went onto recover from that and her surgery as best as she could, but that day was a pivotal day in our parenting and in my perspective.  

fast forward…her last two weeks of life were both the fastest and slowest weeks of my life.  lucy was such a warrior and a fighter; she gave her all and then some.  her body just decided it was ready to move on to bigger and better, and she made her end decisions for us.  lucy never complained, always fought, and brought the ultimate joy to everyone she met along the way.

i could stand up here and talk for days about what God has taught me through lucy, but i’ll try to stick to just a few more minutes or so.  lucy truly taught me more in her almost nine months of life than i’ve learned in the 28 years of mine.  

lucy taught me it absolutely takes a village to raise kiddos, and that i had better make sure i was intentional and invested in our village.  she taught me perfection can only be crafted by God but to do and give my all each and everyday.  she made me realize that when my gut—whether mommy gut or life gut—said that i needed to do something, be somewhere, say something…that i had better act on that as fast as i could.

above all else, lucy taught me that God was in control and always has the better plan.  i think it’s so important that we plan and dream about our lives and our futures…and know that when they take a turn we didn’t plan for, that that’s the Big Man saying He’s in control and He’s got us.  lucy taught me it really doesn’t do any good to think about things we can’t control.  she reemphasized that we should truly take life one day at a time… to hope for the best and plan for the worst.  

lucy was such a gift and such a light to all of those she met.  she adored her sister with all that she had, and ellie could not have loved or doted on lucy more than she did.  lucy absolutely embodied what tennyson said when he said, “it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  i have been deeply, profoundly changed in all of the most impactful and amazing ways because God allowed me to be lucy’s mommy for her 8.5 months on earth.  

this was lucy’s adventure and we were just lucky enough to be along for her ride and be a part of her journey, but because of our faith in Jesus, we know her real adventure has just begun! ☺

an inch wide & a mile deep

friendship. friend. best friend. acquaintance. close friend. soul sister.

i'm not sure what these words mean to you, but they have meant various things to me over the years.  they have certainly elicited different feelings from me depending on the phase of life i was in as well.  i am not what i would call a girl's girl. from elementary school through high school, i always found it easier to talk to and be friends with guys.  and believe me when i say friends with guys and no more...i have only kissed one other boy besides my husband, and that was my long-term high school boyfriend after we dated for a year (but alas, i digress).  i have always tried to avoid drama in my life, and i found that a lot of girl friendships had a lot of drama in middle and high school.  

then cue college where i joined (an amazing) sorority, and bam! was instantly surrounded by a lot of awesome girls who made seemingly easy friendships.  i'm sure it comes as no shocker that i'm pretty reserved and really private (this foray into the blogging world is truly a new type of vulnerability).  my personality does not have the capacity to have 87 close friends and certainly not 20 best friends.  i also thought a best friend had to meet every friendship need and aspect of my life and personality, and i have a best friend who challenged that mindset in college.  she said there are different people in her life that fulfill different roles for her; they all add up to the one whole person she needs to go through life with (besides her husband), but each friend holds her accountable for and teaches her different things.  cue light bulb.

i can honestly say i hadn't really opened up to anyone (besides mark) about deep feelings that i could be judged for, critiqued for, or talked about until the last few years...because let's be serious...if you REALLY knew me, would you still want to be my best friend?  i have one best friend who has always encouraged me to be my best self and has always shared the ways i have impacted her life for the better (and you have no idea what a gift those words are for this words of affirmation girl right here).  however, recently, she shared that i asked her (years ago) how she was doing (knowing the answer was not the answer she gave me), and she said i pushed her to be real and authentic with me because i said that best friends are real and genuine and love each other no matter what.  well, good for you, jenny, but how often did i take my own advice?  yeah...about that...what a novel idea.  i was a good best friend; a safe place for people to land and an absolute no judgement zone that i tried to fill with grace.  yet...

it took me a really long time to let other people be the friend to me that i tried to be with them.  it has taken me many years to really cultivate my best friendships, and trust is at the top of my requirements.  i want girlfriends in my life who are a safe place for my thoughts, feelings, and processing to land.  i want girlfriends who will call my bluff and make me keep talking, even when i don't want to.  i want girlfriends who will challenge me and push back when i say things they either disagree with or when they know that action/thought/etc. doesn't help me become who they know i want to be.  and i want best friends who know all of me--the good, the bad, the ugly, the messy, the best moments--all of it.  i want best friends who are my biggest cheerleaders for my successes and see my success as their own instead of a competition.

throughout lucy's whole life, from finding out about her extra special chromosome and heart defect at 13 weeks pregnant through now, i have had an amazing opportunity to really evaluate and pour into these best friends of mine.  i watched as this core group rallied around me to meet my needs (whether it be a text with words of encouragement, a visit to the hospital with coffee or food, or coming by the house with coffee, food, or just themselves as an adult to talk to).  i have learned (thanks to lucy) that these are my people, my best friends.  there are no unmet expectations with them--just the expectation that we love each other and want the best for each other and are here for each other--no matter what.

i can count my best friends on one hand.  and i have picked each one up at different times in my life (a really, really awesome thing, if you ask me).  i have one from middle school, one from high school, one from college, one from my teaching days, and one from becoming a mommy.  all five of these girls are married, two have kids, and all are invaluable to me growing into the person i am supposed to be.  

so, i titled this entry "an inch wide & a mile deep."  that's because my best friends are not many, but they sure are deep friendships.  if you, like me, long for that deep female friendship connection, is there any part of you holding yourself back from being loved well by your people?  let's all let our guards down for our "few," because when you are fully loved and fully known, truly beautiful things start to happen both within your friendship and within yourself.

THAT question

what question you ask?  oh, the one that goes like this...how many children do you have?

before i begin and give my answer to this question, i just want to disclaim that i truly believe there is no right or wrong way to answer this question. i have learned in my three months of life in the infant loss world, parents (and especially moms) have VERY strong feelings about this question and its answer.  and you know what, i totally get that; the answer to this question is a judgement free zone...always.  to lose a child is one of the hardest things we can go through, and so i believe we have to answer this question in the way that will give us peace and comfort.

now that being said, this question and its answer was one of the first things i thought about and prayed about after lucy passed away.  lucy (just like ellie and hopefully future kiddos) was and always will be one of my greatest gift(s).  i think of lucy every second of every day and try to live my life in a way that will always honor her.  so to cut to the chase...if i were asked this question today, what would i say?  i would say i have one child.

here are my thoughts on why i would say such a thing.  my inner circle, middle circle, outer circle, and even some outliers know about lucy.  they don't ask me how many children i have.  they know i have had two girls.  they ask me how i am, and they bring up lucy in conversation.  i can pick up where we left off in conversation about how we're doing and such.

so the person that would ask me how many children i have doesn't know me from adam.  this person may be the sweet lady in the elevator who sees me with ellie and says, "is she your only one?" (ellie has no idea what this means, so i can safely say yes and smile).  i was honored to be able to co-host a baby shower for one of my best friends recently, and one of the ladies there asked how many children i had, and i answered one (for me, that was not the place to even go near that subject).

lucy is such a light and bright spot in my life, and if i don't have time to sit down with you on a bench and tell you more than you want to know about her, then i don't want to slight her by mentioning her and then having to walk away.  i don't want someone to have pity on me or feel sorry for me for losing lucy, when lucy is and always will be one of my greatest gifts and teachers.  now, if you come into my house (and i don't know you well enough to have let you in on my sweet angel), then you will undoubtedly see pictures, hear her name, and then we'll sit on my couch, drink coffee, and i'll tell you all about my sweet girl.

lucy lives loud and strong in my heart and always will.  i will fiercely protect her legacy just like i protected her life while here on earth.  i will not tell unknowing and well-meaning strangers about lucy in a five minute exchange somewhere because to me that can't paint a picture of my girl.

we hear about how not to judge people because everyone is fighting battles we don't know.  my challenge for us today is to not ask pressing questions, assume anything about why someone does or doesn't have kids or why they only have one, etc.  similarly, i challenge us to not take offense when a kind stranger smiles and asks what they think is just an innocent question.  we all carry our special things and people near and dear to our heart.  and i can say, without a doubt in my mind, that lucy knows i will love and honor her for all of the days of my life.

divide & conquer

mark and i have always had the divide and conquer mentality when it comes to getting things done.  about six weeks after we were married, mark had to go somewhere for work for a few weeks; the first fall we were married, he was in chicago for work for almost three months, and i was here in atlanta in my first teaching job.  granted, i am far more introverted than extroverted, so i truly don't mind my "jenny time" or solo time with kiddos...BUT i always enjoy life the most when all of my family is together, and we're able to go through daily life or adventure together.

lucy took divide and conquer to a whole new level, and i'm grateful for the lessons she really hammered home about it.  i handled most of lucy's medical, so i usually took her to her doctor's appointments and to the hospital by myself.  if i'm really being honest, i really didn't mind doing this alone because i (selfishly) only needed to take care of lucy and myself during those times (and any processing/emotions that came along with those visits).

throughout our precious time with lucy, we did as much as we could with all four of us!  we weren't able to go too far away from home (especially after lucy's surgery), but we were able to go to disney twice (two of my most favorite memories), and we took lucy on overnight trips a couple of other times.  in the times when all four of us couldn't go somewhere where we really wanted to go or should go, then mark and ellie would go (if lucy was in the hospital), or i would take ellie and mark would stay home with lucy (usually these were for weekend or day trips because obviously mark still had to work)!  we were also restricted with where we would let lucy go or who could be around her during respiratory season (october-april) because the hospital wouldn't allow visitors (sibling or not) under 18 to visit their patients on the floor, so we adopted that rule for our home as well.

as a family, we have made a it a priority to try to do everything we can do with and for others.  this oftentimes leads us to dividing and conquering, especially if it's somewhere ellie and i can go during the week while mark is working.  lucy really hammered home the point that we just need to do what we can do when we can do it.  i truly believe when we've been able to do that, if we have to miss weddings, birthday parties, or a planned visit, then that's okay...because we've been intentional with our time and have done what we can when we can.  i don't know about you, but that brought me a lot of peace because i could lay my head on my pillow at night and know i went everywhere i could go and did everything i could do, and when i couldn't, i simply couldn't.

one of my favorite divide and conquer memories during our time with lucy was a planned trip we had to disney in january (clearly we are beyond hopeful people, since lucy's surgery was four weeks before our trip).  mark and i had planned to run the half (again, hopeful jenny...i don't even run, what the heck?!), and make a weekend trip out of it.  well, sweet lucy was still in the hospital, so mark and i made the decision for me to stay with lucy and for he and ellie to go (along with mark's dad).  and do you know how i felt about that?!  i LOVED every second!  ellie got to have the time of her life at disney with her daddy and ethie (alan's grandpa name), and to say she was treated like a princess doesn't even touch the experience she had.  i had so much joy when mark would send me pictures of their adventures, and i knew that he and ellie were somewhere magical while lucy and i were at the hospital.  if they hadn't have gone to disney, they would have been stuck at home and around atlanta while lucy and i were in the hospital.

i hope we all have the mentality to do what we're able to do when we're able to do it. sadly, this doesn't always mean we should do what we WANT to do when we WANT to do it (wouldn't that be nice?!), but it does mean we need to do what we SHOULD do when we're ABLE to do it! i know that's a life lesson i understood a little bit before lucy and now understand it even more...especially because i've been on the receiving end of friends and family coming to see me (and visit precious lucy) when they had to leave their kiddos or spouse at home, and i cannot tell you how much those visits meant to me.  so, i challenge us all to look for opportunities to visit, to make memories, to be present in situations even if it means dividing and conquering within our family to let people know that they are a priority to us.

emotionally healthy home: part 2

as a mom and as an adult (how did that happen?), i am always watching, listening, and observing other families with kiddos.  i think experience...whether it's mine or others...is by far the greatest teacher.  we lead our families by example and by our teaching, which is why a couple of acts from kids/young adults after lucy passed away were SO moving and inspiring to me.

my first example is of the courage of a mom to encourage and facilitate her kids to be a part of lucy's story after she passed away.  i have known this sweet family for five years; i taught the oldest daughter in sixth grade science (wahoo!).  i loved this family from day one because the mom was always very warm and very real, and her daughter was a bright spot in my day!  after i left teaching, i continued to tutor the oldest (and later the youngest) in math (my first love), and i continued this through ellie's infancy and even tutored a little when i was pregnant with lucy.  i would take ellie with me to their house, and the rest of the family would play with ellie while I tutored one of the kids.  i loved any time i was able to spend at their house and around their kids because all four of them were kind, thoughtful, and mature.

well, fast forward to life in the fast lane. i hadn't see them since my last tutoring session while i was pregnant with lucy (apart from us following each other on social media).  so imagine how absolutely touching it was when i received an envelope of cards after lucy passed away where each member of the family had written us their own card with their own words...which showed great compassion and great faith.  the mom also brought three of the four kids to lucy's service (the dad and one of the boys were out of town), and they stood in line to talk to us and give us hugs.

i was so deeply moved because i think an "easy" response (if i was in that situation) would be to say, "that is such an awful thing the rocketts are going through; let's remember them in our prayers." but no, they dug in and willingly became a part of something that was beautiful (lucy going to Heaven), yet really painful (a baby is no longer here).  they moved toward the beautiful mess of life and the kids (at age 16, two at 14, and one at 12), were actively a part of something that may stay with them for the rest of their lives.

a second example is mark's cousin, alex.  alex and his mom came and stayed with us for four days at the beginning of march, so he could shadow mark at his work (alex was a junior in high school at the time and had to do an internship over his winter break).  i was so excited they were coming to stay because i have been able to get to know mark's aunt, lori, throughout our marriage, but i hadn't spent much time around her three kids (up until that point).  well, of course our sweet lucy went to the hospital the night they were coming in town and stayed in the hospital the duration of their stay; however, one day when mark and alex were heading back home from the office, they came to the hospital to visit because alex wanted to meet lucy.

i loved being able to spend a little time with alex at the hospital and was so excited he got to meet lucy!  well, the day lucy passed away, alex found out while he was at school.  when mark and i got home from the hospital later that morning, we received our first flowers in honor of our precious lucy.  can you guess who sent them?  you got it.  alex learned about lucy's passing and ordered flowers right then and there at school...with his own money.  not money he got from his mom, not money he asked to use for this occasion, his own money...and he did it without even telling his mom.  i can't even begin to tell you what all i felt when we got those gorgeous flowers that day.  all i can say is, i hope i can instill a small fraction of whatever is it that alex has inside of him inside of ellie and future kiddos.

so, in sharing these two examples of families and kids/young adults that came alongside us during this time, i hope i can encourage each of us to look for intentional examples where we can come alongside someone else in their tough times.  i pray my kids have the faith, words, and understanding that the kids/young adults that wrote us all beautiful letters did.  i pray my kids have the compassion, initiative, and awareness that mark's cousin, alex, did.

we have so many examples of others who have intentionally and purposefully done things for us and said things to us that mean far more than i can even begin to describe.  lucy graduating to Heaven has revealed love and support like i've never known.  my eyes have been opened WIDE to really amazing ways that we can pay it forward and to ideas i would love to implement in my own family.  i cannot wait to share more of what i've experienced and learned along the way, so that all of us can take those collection of ideas and pass them on to other people and families who may have that exact need right now.

emotionally healthy home: part 1

my biggest concern when lucy got her angel wings was how this would impact ellie.  from the second we had lucy, ellie had a deep love and bond with her sister.  she always wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to hold her hand, to be in the same room, to encourage her on tummy time...you name it, ellie was all about it!  once the respiratory season was lifted in the hospital, ellie even got to come and visit lucy several times, and she always wanted to sit in her crib to be as close to her as possible...when she wasn't meeting all of lucy's special nurse friends! :)

i have a younger sister, and there is truly nothing like a sister bond, so i was beyond thrilled when we found out that lucy was a girl!  i harped the "sweet sisters" and "sisters are the best" and let their relationship flourish into everything it could have been during those 8.5 months with lucy.  when we returned from the hospital the morning after lucy passed away, we told ellie that lucy's heart had been very, very sick, and that she now lives with Jesus and isn't coming home.  that smart girl saw me packing up all of lucy's medical supplies for them to be picked up that afternoon, and she said, "lucy doesn't need her tube anymore!" and i said, "isn't that awesome?!  she doesn't need her tube, oxygen, medicines, anything!  she is totally happy, healthy, and healed."

so on it went for a few weeks...we talked (and still talk) about lucy everyday, and usually ellie is the one to bring her up.  we would always (by the grace of God) be able to have "happy" responses to the fact that lucy is ellie's sister in Heaven, she lives with Jesus, she's healed, etc. and didn't show her any negative emotion of the deep grief and loss that goes with a child going to Heaven.  well, all of that changed during our first counseling session (we have three sessions covered by mark's work, so we knew for sure we needed to do those three...we've done two to date).  i made the comment that i wanted to protect ellie from any negative impact that this could have on her, and the counselor made such a profound statement.

he said that ellie won't really remember lucy...her being here, her passing away, none of it...BUT she will remember the emotional impact that this time has and will have on her and our family.  he echoed how important it was that we talk about how we miss lucy and that we get sad.  he went on to say that if we cried in front of her and she asked what was wrong to say, "i just really miss lucy."  now, she shouldn't be having to get us out of bed or be our "joy" or reason for living, and she certainly is not our emotional support, but she should be able to understand at age two that sometimes sad things happen.

this was so eye opening to me because i think it's easy for us as parents to want to shield and protect our kids from anything other than a happy, hunky dory life.  but man, what a disservice and injustice we do to them and totally crush their ability to process, to overcome, and to have compassion when we make them think life is all rainbows and unicorns.  ever since that session, i have looked for ways to open ellie's eyes to the world around us in appropriate ways.  she doesn't need to know about world tragedies, but she does pray for our heart baby friends who have sick hearts and for people in our family and close circle who may be sick, have a baby in their belly, or are praying to have a baby.

ellie knows that lucy died and what that means (to a two year old), and right now she knows you either die when you are really, really sick or really, really old.  again, the tragedy of death is not something that we will talk about for a few years...unless (and i pray not) that happens within our circle.  because then we would talk about it because as friends and family, you have to move towards the mess, the pain, and the ugly...because that makes the beautiful, the sweet, and the journey that much more deep and that much more real.

so, i am striving to provide the most emotionally healthy home that i can (and i'm sure ellie will share the ways i've scarred her when she's older), but i now have an insight and a perspective from that counselor that i am elated to have.  i will hopefully be able to help ellie and future kiddos process the good, the bad, and the ugly and have them become more aware and be more grateful human beings in the process.

i don't know about you, but i certainly feel challenged and charged to dig in, to love fully, and be available for my people whenever they may need me for whatever joy or tragedy may be upon them...because that is what we do for those we love.

fine china

i don't know what your feelings are about fine china, but mine are not those of love.  now don't get me wrong, i think it is beautiful and fancy, but it is just not me.  i was persuaded to register for it when mark and i got married (six years ago), and i knew better.  i think it is more of an older generational thing to use fine china.  now don't get me wrong, if you have your grandmother's fine china, that is certainly special and a neat family heirloom.  i am talking about myself, at twenty two, registering for new china.

i also registered for my most favorite dishes (pottery barn emma dishes in white), and my forward thinking plan was that i can always dress those up to have a "fancy" table.  i LOVE my white dishes...i can eat pizza off of them or our christmas dinner complete with linen napkins, napkin rings, place cards, and beautiful centerpieces.  and a bonus--if i break a dinner plate, it will cost me $12 to replace it!

i love to have people in my house all of the time...friends, family, spend the night company, playdates, you name it.  i always want my home to feel warm, welcoming, and authentic, so for me, that means having things inside of it that help make that vision a reality.  so although my 10 place settings of lenox opal innocence china is truly gorgeous (and something i would still pick today if i wanted china),  i am on a mission to sell it and get rid of it.  it is stacked perfectly in the cabinets above my fridge, but why?!  even if i have space for things, it doesn't mean i should have them!  i have spoken to a few mentor women in my life, and they have all echoed the same thing, "i have it, but i haven't used in the 25 years we've been married."

so, my challenge for us today is...what do we have in our homes that takes up space but isn't something we're using or that reflects us?  i am practical and a minimalist by nature; i also have strong feelings of being good stewards of our property.  i am on a mission to sell, give away, or throw away stuff in my house that just takes up space.  it's the stuff you have because "you're supposed to have it" or because someone gave it to you and you feel badly to give it away--not because it's special to you.  or even better, it has a spot, so why not just keep it?!

here's to the first day in august and being intentional with the belongings in our home, how they reflect us, and how they enhance our family's vision!  that being said...anyone looking to buy china?! ;)