emotionally healthy home: part 1

my biggest concern when lucy got her angel wings was how this would impact ellie.  from the second we had lucy, ellie had a deep love and bond with her sister.  she always wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to hold her hand, to be in the same room, to encourage her on tummy time...you name it, ellie was all about it!  once the respiratory season was lifted in the hospital, ellie even got to come and visit lucy several times, and she always wanted to sit in her crib to be as close to her as possible...when she wasn't meeting all of lucy's special nurse friends! :)

i have a younger sister, and there is truly nothing like a sister bond, so i was beyond thrilled when we found out that lucy was a girl!  i harped the "sweet sisters" and "sisters are the best" and let their relationship flourish into everything it could have been during those 8.5 months with lucy.  when we returned from the hospital the morning after lucy passed away, we told ellie that lucy's heart had been very, very sick, and that she now lives with Jesus and isn't coming home.  that smart girl saw me packing up all of lucy's medical supplies for them to be picked up that afternoon, and she said, "lucy doesn't need her tube anymore!" and i said, "isn't that awesome?!  she doesn't need her tube, oxygen, medicines, anything!  she is totally happy, healthy, and healed."

so on it went for a few weeks...we talked (and still talk) about lucy everyday, and usually ellie is the one to bring her up.  we would always (by the grace of God) be able to have "happy" responses to the fact that lucy is ellie's sister in Heaven, she lives with Jesus, she's healed, etc. and didn't show her any negative emotion of the deep grief and loss that goes with a child going to Heaven.  well, all of that changed during our first counseling session (we have three sessions covered by mark's work, so we knew for sure we needed to do those three...we've done two to date).  i made the comment that i wanted to protect ellie from any negative impact that this could have on her, and the counselor made such a profound statement.

he said that ellie won't really remember lucy...her being here, her passing away, none of it...BUT she will remember the emotional impact that this time has and will have on her and our family.  he echoed how important it was that we talk about how we miss lucy and that we get sad.  he went on to say that if we cried in front of her and she asked what was wrong to say, "i just really miss lucy."  now, she shouldn't be having to get us out of bed or be our "joy" or reason for living, and she certainly is not our emotional support, but she should be able to understand at age two that sometimes sad things happen.

this was so eye opening to me because i think it's easy for us as parents to want to shield and protect our kids from anything other than a happy, hunky dory life.  but man, what a disservice and injustice we do to them and totally crush their ability to process, to overcome, and to have compassion when we make them think life is all rainbows and unicorns.  ever since that session, i have looked for ways to open ellie's eyes to the world around us in appropriate ways.  she doesn't need to know about world tragedies, but she does pray for our heart baby friends who have sick hearts and for people in our family and close circle who may be sick, have a baby in their belly, or are praying to have a baby.

ellie knows that lucy died and what that means (to a two year old), and right now she knows you either die when you are really, really sick or really, really old.  again, the tragedy of death is not something that we will talk about for a few years...unless (and i pray not) that happens within our circle.  because then we would talk about it because as friends and family, you have to move towards the mess, the pain, and the ugly...because that makes the beautiful, the sweet, and the journey that much more deep and that much more real.

so, i am striving to provide the most emotionally healthy home that i can (and i'm sure ellie will share the ways i've scarred her when she's older), but i now have an insight and a perspective from that counselor that i am elated to have.  i will hopefully be able to help ellie and future kiddos process the good, the bad, and the ugly and have them become more aware and be more grateful human beings in the process.

i don't know about you, but i certainly feel challenged and charged to dig in, to love fully, and be available for my people whenever they may need me for whatever joy or tragedy may be upon them...because that is what we do for those we love.