what question you ask? oh, the one that goes like this...how many children do you have?
before i begin and give my answer to this question, i just want to disclaim that i truly believe there is no right or wrong way to answer this question. i have learned in my three months of life in the infant loss world, parents (and especially moms) have VERY strong feelings about this question and its answer. and you know what, i totally get that; the answer to this question is a judgement free zone...always. to lose a child is one of the hardest things we can go through, and so i believe we have to answer this question in the way that will give us peace and comfort.
now that being said, this question and its answer was one of the first things i thought about and prayed about after lucy passed away. lucy (just like ellie and hopefully future kiddos) was and always will be one of my greatest gift(s). i think of lucy every second of every day and try to live my life in a way that will always honor her. so to cut to the chase...if i were asked this question today, what would i say? i would say i have one child.
here are my thoughts on why i would say such a thing. my inner circle, middle circle, outer circle, and even some outliers know about lucy. they don't ask me how many children i have. they know i have had two girls. they ask me how i am, and they bring up lucy in conversation. i can pick up where we left off in conversation about how we're doing and such.
so the person that would ask me how many children i have doesn't know me from adam. this person may be the sweet lady in the elevator who sees me with ellie and says, "is she your only one?" (ellie has no idea what this means, so i can safely say yes and smile). i was honored to be able to co-host a baby shower for one of my best friends recently, and one of the ladies there asked how many children i had, and i answered one (for me, that was not the place to even go near that subject).
lucy is such a light and bright spot in my life, and if i don't have time to sit down with you on a bench and tell you more than you want to know about her, then i don't want to slight her by mentioning her and then having to walk away. i don't want someone to have pity on me or feel sorry for me for losing lucy, when lucy is and always will be one of my greatest gifts and teachers. now, if you come into my house (and i don't know you well enough to have let you in on my sweet angel), then you will undoubtedly see pictures, hear her name, and then we'll sit on my couch, drink coffee, and i'll tell you all about my sweet girl.
lucy lives loud and strong in my heart and always will. i will fiercely protect her legacy just like i protected her life while here on earth. i will not tell unknowing and well-meaning strangers about lucy in a five minute exchange somewhere because to me that can't paint a picture of my girl.
we hear about how not to judge people because everyone is fighting battles we don't know. my challenge for us today is to not ask pressing questions, assume anything about why someone does or doesn't have kids or why they only have one, etc. similarly, i challenge us to not take offense when a kind stranger smiles and asks what they think is just an innocent question. we all carry our special things and people near and dear to our heart. and i can say, without a doubt in my mind, that lucy knows i will love and honor her for all of the days of my life.
Monday, August 15, 2016
Thursday, August 11, 2016
divide & conquer
mark and i have always had the divide and conquer mentality when it comes to getting things done. about six weeks after we were married, mark had to go somewhere for work for a few weeks; the first fall we were married, he was in chicago for work for almost three months, and i was here in atlanta in my first teaching job. granted, i am far more introverted than extroverted, so i truly don't mind my "jenny time" or solo time with kiddos...BUT i always enjoy life the most when all of my family is together, and we're able to go through daily life or adventure together.
lucy took divide and conquer to a whole new level, and i'm grateful for the lessons she really hammered home about it. i handled most of lucy's medical, so i usually took her to her doctor's appointments and to the hospital by myself. if i'm really being honest, i really didn't mind doing this alone because i (selfishly) only needed to take care of lucy and myself during those times (and any processing/emotions that came along with those visits).
throughout our precious time with lucy, we did as much as we could with all four of us! we weren't able to go too far away from home (especially after lucy's surgery), but we were able to go to disney twice (two of my most favorite memories), and we took lucy on overnight trips a couple of other times. in the times when all four of us couldn't go somewhere where we really wanted to go or should go, then mark and ellie would go (if lucy was in the hospital), or i would take ellie and mark would stay home with lucy (usually these were for weekend or day trips because obviously mark still had to work)! we were also restricted with where we would let lucy go or who could be around her during respiratory season (october-april) because the hospital wouldn't allow visitors (sibling or not) under 18 to visit their patients on the floor, so we adopted that rule for our home as well.
as a family, we have made a it a priority to try to do everything we can do with and for others. this oftentimes leads us to dividing and conquering, especially if it's somewhere ellie and i can go during the week while mark is working. lucy really hammered home the point that we just need to do what we can do when we can do it. i truly believe when we've been able to do that, if we have to miss weddings, birthday parties, or a planned visit, then that's okay...because we've been intentional with our time and have done what we can when we can. i don't know about you, but that brought me a lot of peace because i could lay my head on my pillow at night and know i went everywhere i could go and did everything i could do, and when i couldn't, i simply couldn't.
one of my favorite divide and conquer memories during our time with lucy was a planned trip we had to disney in january (clearly we are beyond hopeful people, since lucy's surgery was four weeks before our trip). mark and i had planned to run the half (again, hopeful jenny...i don't even run, what the heck?!), and make a weekend trip out of it. well, sweet lucy was still in the hospital, so mark and i made the decision for me to stay with lucy and for he and ellie to go (along with mark's dad). and do you know how i felt about that?! i LOVED every second! ellie got to have the time of her life at disney with her daddy and ethie (alan's grandpa name), and to say she was treated like a princess doesn't even touch the experience she had. i had so much joy when mark would send me pictures of their adventures, and i knew that he and ellie were somewhere magical while lucy and i were at the hospital. if they hadn't have gone to disney, they would have been stuck at home and around atlanta while lucy and i were in the hospital.
i hope we all have the mentality to do what we're able to do when we're able to do it. sadly, this doesn't always mean we should do what we WANT to do when we WANT to do it (wouldn't that be nice?!), but it does mean we need to do what we SHOULD do when we're ABLE to do it! i know that's a life lesson i understood a little bit before lucy and now understand it even more...especially because i've been on the receiving end of friends and family coming to see me (and visit precious lucy) when they had to leave their kiddos or spouse at home, and i cannot tell you how much those visits meant to me. so, i challenge us all to look for opportunities to visit, to make memories, to be present in situations even if it means dividing and conquering within our family to let people know that they are a priority to us.
lucy took divide and conquer to a whole new level, and i'm grateful for the lessons she really hammered home about it. i handled most of lucy's medical, so i usually took her to her doctor's appointments and to the hospital by myself. if i'm really being honest, i really didn't mind doing this alone because i (selfishly) only needed to take care of lucy and myself during those times (and any processing/emotions that came along with those visits).
throughout our precious time with lucy, we did as much as we could with all four of us! we weren't able to go too far away from home (especially after lucy's surgery), but we were able to go to disney twice (two of my most favorite memories), and we took lucy on overnight trips a couple of other times. in the times when all four of us couldn't go somewhere where we really wanted to go or should go, then mark and ellie would go (if lucy was in the hospital), or i would take ellie and mark would stay home with lucy (usually these were for weekend or day trips because obviously mark still had to work)! we were also restricted with where we would let lucy go or who could be around her during respiratory season (october-april) because the hospital wouldn't allow visitors (sibling or not) under 18 to visit their patients on the floor, so we adopted that rule for our home as well.
as a family, we have made a it a priority to try to do everything we can do with and for others. this oftentimes leads us to dividing and conquering, especially if it's somewhere ellie and i can go during the week while mark is working. lucy really hammered home the point that we just need to do what we can do when we can do it. i truly believe when we've been able to do that, if we have to miss weddings, birthday parties, or a planned visit, then that's okay...because we've been intentional with our time and have done what we can when we can. i don't know about you, but that brought me a lot of peace because i could lay my head on my pillow at night and know i went everywhere i could go and did everything i could do, and when i couldn't, i simply couldn't.
one of my favorite divide and conquer memories during our time with lucy was a planned trip we had to disney in january (clearly we are beyond hopeful people, since lucy's surgery was four weeks before our trip). mark and i had planned to run the half (again, hopeful jenny...i don't even run, what the heck?!), and make a weekend trip out of it. well, sweet lucy was still in the hospital, so mark and i made the decision for me to stay with lucy and for he and ellie to go (along with mark's dad). and do you know how i felt about that?! i LOVED every second! ellie got to have the time of her life at disney with her daddy and ethie (alan's grandpa name), and to say she was treated like a princess doesn't even touch the experience she had. i had so much joy when mark would send me pictures of their adventures, and i knew that he and ellie were somewhere magical while lucy and i were at the hospital. if they hadn't have gone to disney, they would have been stuck at home and around atlanta while lucy and i were in the hospital.
i hope we all have the mentality to do what we're able to do when we're able to do it. sadly, this doesn't always mean we should do what we WANT to do when we WANT to do it (wouldn't that be nice?!), but it does mean we need to do what we SHOULD do when we're ABLE to do it! i know that's a life lesson i understood a little bit before lucy and now understand it even more...especially because i've been on the receiving end of friends and family coming to see me (and visit precious lucy) when they had to leave their kiddos or spouse at home, and i cannot tell you how much those visits meant to me. so, i challenge us all to look for opportunities to visit, to make memories, to be present in situations even if it means dividing and conquering within our family to let people know that they are a priority to us.
Friday, August 5, 2016
emotionally healthy home: part 2
as a mom and as an adult (how did that happen?), i am always watching, listening, and observing other families with kiddos. i think experience...whether it's mine or others...is by far the greatest teacher. we lead our families by example and by our teaching, which is why a couple of acts from kids/young adults after lucy passed away were SO moving and inspiring to me.
my first example is of the courage of a mom to encourage and facilitate her kids to be a part of lucy's story after she passed away. i have known this sweet family for five years; i taught the oldest daughter in sixth grade science (wahoo!). i loved this family from day one because the mom was always very warm and very real, and her daughter was a bright spot in my day! after i left teaching, i continued to tutor the oldest (and later the youngest) in math (my first love), and i continued this through ellie's infancy and even tutored a little when i was pregnant with lucy. i would take ellie with me to their house, and the rest of the family would play with ellie while I tutored one of the kids. i loved any time i was able to spend at their house and around their kids because all four of them were kind, thoughtful, and mature.
well, fast forward to life in the fast lane. i hadn't see them since my last tutoring session while i was pregnant with lucy (apart from us following each other on social media). so imagine how absolutely touching it was when i received an envelope of cards after lucy passed away where each member of the family had written us their own card with their own words...which showed great compassion and great faith. the mom also brought three of the four kids to lucy's service (the dad and one of the boys were out of town), and they stood in line to talk to us and give us hugs.
i was so deeply moved because i think an "easy" response (if i was in that situation) would be to say, "that is such an awful thing the rocketts are going through; let's remember them in our prayers." but no, they dug in and willingly became a part of something that was beautiful (lucy going to Heaven), yet really painful (a baby is no longer here). they moved toward the beautiful mess of life and the kids (at age 16, two at 14, and one at 12), were actively a part of something that may stay with them for the rest of their lives.
a second example is mark's cousin, alex. alex and his mom came and stayed with us for four days at the beginning of march, so he could shadow mark at his work (alex was a junior in high school at the time and had to do an internship over his winter break). i was so excited they were coming to stay because i have been able to get to know mark's aunt, lori, throughout our marriage, but i hadn't spent much time around her three kids (up until that point). well, of course our sweet lucy went to the hospital the night they were coming in town and stayed in the hospital the duration of their stay; however, one day when mark and alex were heading back home from the office, they came to the hospital to visit because alex wanted to meet lucy.
i loved being able to spend a little time with alex at the hospital and was so excited he got to meet lucy! well, the day lucy passed away, alex found out while he was at school. when mark and i got home from the hospital later that morning, we received our first flowers in honor of our precious lucy. can you guess who sent them? you got it. alex learned about lucy's passing and ordered flowers right then and there at school...with his own money. not money he got from his mom, not money he asked to use for this occasion, his own money...and he did it without even telling his mom. i can't even begin to tell you what all i felt when we got those gorgeous flowers that day. all i can say is, i hope i can instill a small fraction of whatever is it that alex has inside of him inside of ellie and future kiddos.
so, in sharing these two examples of families and kids/young adults that came alongside us during this time, i hope i can encourage each of us to look for intentional examples where we can come alongside someone else in their tough times. i pray my kids have the faith, words, and understanding that the kids/young adults that wrote us all beautiful letters did. i pray my kids have the compassion, initiative, and awareness that mark's cousin, alex, did.
we have so many examples of others who have intentionally and purposefully done things for us and said things to us that mean far more than i can even begin to describe. lucy graduating to Heaven has revealed love and support like i've never known. my eyes have been opened WIDE to really amazing ways that we can pay it forward and to ideas i would love to implement in my own family. i cannot wait to share more of what i've experienced and learned along the way, so that all of us can take those collection of ideas and pass them on to other people and families who may have that exact need right now.
my first example is of the courage of a mom to encourage and facilitate her kids to be a part of lucy's story after she passed away. i have known this sweet family for five years; i taught the oldest daughter in sixth grade science (wahoo!). i loved this family from day one because the mom was always very warm and very real, and her daughter was a bright spot in my day! after i left teaching, i continued to tutor the oldest (and later the youngest) in math (my first love), and i continued this through ellie's infancy and even tutored a little when i was pregnant with lucy. i would take ellie with me to their house, and the rest of the family would play with ellie while I tutored one of the kids. i loved any time i was able to spend at their house and around their kids because all four of them were kind, thoughtful, and mature.
well, fast forward to life in the fast lane. i hadn't see them since my last tutoring session while i was pregnant with lucy (apart from us following each other on social media). so imagine how absolutely touching it was when i received an envelope of cards after lucy passed away where each member of the family had written us their own card with their own words...which showed great compassion and great faith. the mom also brought three of the four kids to lucy's service (the dad and one of the boys were out of town), and they stood in line to talk to us and give us hugs.
i was so deeply moved because i think an "easy" response (if i was in that situation) would be to say, "that is such an awful thing the rocketts are going through; let's remember them in our prayers." but no, they dug in and willingly became a part of something that was beautiful (lucy going to Heaven), yet really painful (a baby is no longer here). they moved toward the beautiful mess of life and the kids (at age 16, two at 14, and one at 12), were actively a part of something that may stay with them for the rest of their lives.
a second example is mark's cousin, alex. alex and his mom came and stayed with us for four days at the beginning of march, so he could shadow mark at his work (alex was a junior in high school at the time and had to do an internship over his winter break). i was so excited they were coming to stay because i have been able to get to know mark's aunt, lori, throughout our marriage, but i hadn't spent much time around her three kids (up until that point). well, of course our sweet lucy went to the hospital the night they were coming in town and stayed in the hospital the duration of their stay; however, one day when mark and alex were heading back home from the office, they came to the hospital to visit because alex wanted to meet lucy.
i loved being able to spend a little time with alex at the hospital and was so excited he got to meet lucy! well, the day lucy passed away, alex found out while he was at school. when mark and i got home from the hospital later that morning, we received our first flowers in honor of our precious lucy. can you guess who sent them? you got it. alex learned about lucy's passing and ordered flowers right then and there at school...with his own money. not money he got from his mom, not money he asked to use for this occasion, his own money...and he did it without even telling his mom. i can't even begin to tell you what all i felt when we got those gorgeous flowers that day. all i can say is, i hope i can instill a small fraction of whatever is it that alex has inside of him inside of ellie and future kiddos.
so, in sharing these two examples of families and kids/young adults that came alongside us during this time, i hope i can encourage each of us to look for intentional examples where we can come alongside someone else in their tough times. i pray my kids have the faith, words, and understanding that the kids/young adults that wrote us all beautiful letters did. i pray my kids have the compassion, initiative, and awareness that mark's cousin, alex, did.
we have so many examples of others who have intentionally and purposefully done things for us and said things to us that mean far more than i can even begin to describe. lucy graduating to Heaven has revealed love and support like i've never known. my eyes have been opened WIDE to really amazing ways that we can pay it forward and to ideas i would love to implement in my own family. i cannot wait to share more of what i've experienced and learned along the way, so that all of us can take those collection of ideas and pass them on to other people and families who may have that exact need right now.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
emotionally healthy home: part 1
my biggest concern when lucy got her angel wings was how this would impact ellie. from the second we had lucy, ellie had a deep love and bond with her sister. she always wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to hold her hand, to be in the same room, to encourage her on tummy time...you name it, ellie was all about it! once the respiratory season was lifted in the hospital, ellie even got to come and visit lucy several times, and she always wanted to sit in her crib to be as close to her as possible...when she wasn't meeting all of lucy's special nurse friends! :)
i have a younger sister, and there is truly nothing like a sister bond, so i was beyond thrilled when we found out that lucy was a girl! i harped the "sweet sisters" and "sisters are the best" and let their relationship flourish into everything it could have been during those 8.5 months with lucy. when we returned from the hospital the morning after lucy passed away, we told ellie that lucy's heart had been very, very sick, and that she now lives with Jesus and isn't coming home. that smart girl saw me packing up all of lucy's medical supplies for them to be picked up that afternoon, and she said, "lucy doesn't need her tube anymore!" and i said, "isn't that awesome?! she doesn't need her tube, oxygen, medicines, anything! she is totally happy, healthy, and healed."
so on it went for a few weeks...we talked (and still talk) about lucy everyday, and usually ellie is the one to bring her up. we would always (by the grace of God) be able to have "happy" responses to the fact that lucy is ellie's sister in Heaven, she lives with Jesus, she's healed, etc. and didn't show her any negative emotion of the deep grief and loss that goes with a child going to Heaven. well, all of that changed during our first counseling session (we have three sessions covered by mark's work, so we knew for sure we needed to do those three...we've done two to date). i made the comment that i wanted to protect ellie from any negative impact that this could have on her, and the counselor made such a profound statement.
he said that ellie won't really remember lucy...her being here, her passing away, none of it...BUT she will remember the emotional impact that this time has and will have on her and our family. he echoed how important it was that we talk about how we miss lucy and that we get sad. he went on to say that if we cried in front of her and she asked what was wrong to say, "i just really miss lucy." now, she shouldn't be having to get us out of bed or be our "joy" or reason for living, and she certainly is not our emotional support, but she should be able to understand at age two that sometimes sad things happen.
this was so eye opening to me because i think it's easy for us as parents to want to shield and protect our kids from anything other than a happy, hunky dory life. but man, what a disservice and injustice we do to them and totally crush their ability to process, to overcome, and to have compassion when we make them think life is all rainbows and unicorns. ever since that session, i have looked for ways to open ellie's eyes to the world around us in appropriate ways. she doesn't need to know about world tragedies, but she does pray for our heart baby friends who have sick hearts and for people in our family and close circle who may be sick, have a baby in their belly, or are praying to have a baby.
ellie knows that lucy died and what that means (to a two year old), and right now she knows you either die when you are really, really sick or really, really old. again, the tragedy of death is not something that we will talk about for a few years...unless (and i pray not) that happens within our circle. because then we would talk about it because as friends and family, you have to move towards the mess, the pain, and the ugly...because that makes the beautiful, the sweet, and the journey that much more deep and that much more real.
so, i am striving to provide the most emotionally healthy home that i can (and i'm sure ellie will share the ways i've scarred her when she's older), but i now have an insight and a perspective from that counselor that i am elated to have. i will hopefully be able to help ellie and future kiddos process the good, the bad, and the ugly and have them become more aware and be more grateful human beings in the process.
i don't know about you, but i certainly feel challenged and charged to dig in, to love fully, and be available for my people whenever they may need me for whatever joy or tragedy may be upon them...because that is what we do for those we love.
i have a younger sister, and there is truly nothing like a sister bond, so i was beyond thrilled when we found out that lucy was a girl! i harped the "sweet sisters" and "sisters are the best" and let their relationship flourish into everything it could have been during those 8.5 months with lucy. when we returned from the hospital the morning after lucy passed away, we told ellie that lucy's heart had been very, very sick, and that she now lives with Jesus and isn't coming home. that smart girl saw me packing up all of lucy's medical supplies for them to be picked up that afternoon, and she said, "lucy doesn't need her tube anymore!" and i said, "isn't that awesome?! she doesn't need her tube, oxygen, medicines, anything! she is totally happy, healthy, and healed."
so on it went for a few weeks...we talked (and still talk) about lucy everyday, and usually ellie is the one to bring her up. we would always (by the grace of God) be able to have "happy" responses to the fact that lucy is ellie's sister in Heaven, she lives with Jesus, she's healed, etc. and didn't show her any negative emotion of the deep grief and loss that goes with a child going to Heaven. well, all of that changed during our first counseling session (we have three sessions covered by mark's work, so we knew for sure we needed to do those three...we've done two to date). i made the comment that i wanted to protect ellie from any negative impact that this could have on her, and the counselor made such a profound statement.
he said that ellie won't really remember lucy...her being here, her passing away, none of it...BUT she will remember the emotional impact that this time has and will have on her and our family. he echoed how important it was that we talk about how we miss lucy and that we get sad. he went on to say that if we cried in front of her and she asked what was wrong to say, "i just really miss lucy." now, she shouldn't be having to get us out of bed or be our "joy" or reason for living, and she certainly is not our emotional support, but she should be able to understand at age two that sometimes sad things happen.
this was so eye opening to me because i think it's easy for us as parents to want to shield and protect our kids from anything other than a happy, hunky dory life. but man, what a disservice and injustice we do to them and totally crush their ability to process, to overcome, and to have compassion when we make them think life is all rainbows and unicorns. ever since that session, i have looked for ways to open ellie's eyes to the world around us in appropriate ways. she doesn't need to know about world tragedies, but she does pray for our heart baby friends who have sick hearts and for people in our family and close circle who may be sick, have a baby in their belly, or are praying to have a baby.
ellie knows that lucy died and what that means (to a two year old), and right now she knows you either die when you are really, really sick or really, really old. again, the tragedy of death is not something that we will talk about for a few years...unless (and i pray not) that happens within our circle. because then we would talk about it because as friends and family, you have to move towards the mess, the pain, and the ugly...because that makes the beautiful, the sweet, and the journey that much more deep and that much more real.
so, i am striving to provide the most emotionally healthy home that i can (and i'm sure ellie will share the ways i've scarred her when she's older), but i now have an insight and a perspective from that counselor that i am elated to have. i will hopefully be able to help ellie and future kiddos process the good, the bad, and the ugly and have them become more aware and be more grateful human beings in the process.
i don't know about you, but i certainly feel challenged and charged to dig in, to love fully, and be available for my people whenever they may need me for whatever joy or tragedy may be upon them...because that is what we do for those we love.
Monday, August 1, 2016
fine china
i don't know what your feelings are about fine china, but mine are not those of love. now don't get me wrong, i think it is beautiful and fancy, but it is just not me. i was persuaded to register for it when mark and i got married (six years ago), and i knew better. i think it is more of an older generational thing to use fine china. now don't get me wrong, if you have your grandmother's fine china, that is certainly special and a neat family heirloom. i am talking about myself, at twenty two, registering for new china.
i also registered for my most favorite dishes (pottery barn emma dishes in white), and my forward thinking plan was that i can always dress those up to have a "fancy" table. i LOVE my white dishes...i can eat pizza off of them or our christmas dinner complete with linen napkins, napkin rings, place cards, and beautiful centerpieces. and a bonus--if i break a dinner plate, it will cost me $12 to replace it!
i love to have people in my house all of the time...friends, family, spend the night company, playdates, you name it. i always want my home to feel warm, welcoming, and authentic, so for me, that means having things inside of it that help make that vision a reality. so although my 10 place settings of lenox opal innocence china is truly gorgeous (and something i would still pick today if i wanted china), i am on a mission to sell it and get rid of it. it is stacked perfectly in the cabinets above my fridge, but why?! even if i have space for things, it doesn't mean i should have them! i have spoken to a few mentor women in my life, and they have all echoed the same thing, "i have it, but i haven't used in the 25 years we've been married."
so, my challenge for us today is...what do we have in our homes that takes up space but isn't something we're using or that reflects us? i am practical and a minimalist by nature; i also have strong feelings of being good stewards of our property. i am on a mission to sell, give away, or throw away stuff in my house that just takes up space. it's the stuff you have because "you're supposed to have it" or because someone gave it to you and you feel badly to give it away--not because it's special to you. or even better, it has a spot, so why not just keep it?!
here's to the first day in august and being intentional with the belongings in our home, how they reflect us, and how they enhance our family's vision! that being said...anyone looking to buy china?! ;)
i also registered for my most favorite dishes (pottery barn emma dishes in white), and my forward thinking plan was that i can always dress those up to have a "fancy" table. i LOVE my white dishes...i can eat pizza off of them or our christmas dinner complete with linen napkins, napkin rings, place cards, and beautiful centerpieces. and a bonus--if i break a dinner plate, it will cost me $12 to replace it!
i love to have people in my house all of the time...friends, family, spend the night company, playdates, you name it. i always want my home to feel warm, welcoming, and authentic, so for me, that means having things inside of it that help make that vision a reality. so although my 10 place settings of lenox opal innocence china is truly gorgeous (and something i would still pick today if i wanted china), i am on a mission to sell it and get rid of it. it is stacked perfectly in the cabinets above my fridge, but why?! even if i have space for things, it doesn't mean i should have them! i have spoken to a few mentor women in my life, and they have all echoed the same thing, "i have it, but i haven't used in the 25 years we've been married."
so, my challenge for us today is...what do we have in our homes that takes up space but isn't something we're using or that reflects us? i am practical and a minimalist by nature; i also have strong feelings of being good stewards of our property. i am on a mission to sell, give away, or throw away stuff in my house that just takes up space. it's the stuff you have because "you're supposed to have it" or because someone gave it to you and you feel badly to give it away--not because it's special to you. or even better, it has a spot, so why not just keep it?!
here's to the first day in august and being intentional with the belongings in our home, how they reflect us, and how they enhance our family's vision! that being said...anyone looking to buy china?! ;)
Friday, June 17, 2016
recovery
hi y'all! before i begin, i am so sorry for my delay in the blogging world! i wrote the entry below about "the plan" and immediately planned to write my next post about lucy's heart defect and status. well, i was waiting until i really knew her full picture and plan for her next surgery before i did, and i wanted to follow thru on my word, so i haven't posted since then! that being said, i am going to skip her heart story for now (don't worry, i'll definitely come back to it...several times), and i am going to try to blog about our journey as we travel this road with lucy now in heaven!
the phrase "losing a child is something a parent never recovers from" has been swimming around in my head this past week. whenever i hear phrases over and over, i always try to pause and pray and see what the Lord is trying to tell me. well, we heard the phrase in an episode of the blacklist (we're a bit behind) as well as i had a friend say it about someone else. i have been bothered by that phrase, and it took me a while to figure out why.
well, i am a bit of an overachiever and perfectionist (shocker, i know), so i think the insinuation of "not recovering" to me has meant that i will remain damaged or broken or insert whatever word you want here. i don't know about you, but i do not like the way that sounds or what that may mean for my future. [yes i know we are all broken in the Christian meaning of the word, but i am referring to it in a different way here].
so, i decided to look up the definition of recover, and when i did, it read: "return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength." (thank you, google!) and there you go...that is why i have been bothered. because it most definitely is true then that i will not recover from "losing" lucy (though we all know where she is, and she's always in our hearts) because i won't return to the same person i was before she got her angel wings. and you know what? i wouldn't want to.
what? why? how does that make sense? well, let's break down the definition of recover. first, return to a normal state of health. lucy's entire journey has shown me how important it is to take care of your body...especially when it starts as perfectly healthy. now granted, i ate terribly while lucy was in the hospital, but hospital calories don't count, right?! lucy has made me want to be and remain active, always...for her honor. second, return to a normal state of mind. never will i be the same or have the same thought process about anything. i have had a REALLY good look at what is important in life and how to live each day to the fullest. there are many, many things that will no longer be an inconvenience or annoyance because i have one of the ultimate perspectives on life. lastly, return to a normal state of strength. umm...no thank you. i have known faith and Jesus like never before, and i wouldn't want to go back to my comfortable Christianity. lucy had and has a tremendous Kingdom impact and purpose, and it is up to me to fulfill it and honor it all of the days of my life.
so, no, i won't ever recover from "losing" lucy, but i can honestly say, i don't want to. i know i will be a better mom, wife, person, friend, etc. because of my sweet little girl and all of the lessons i am just now beginning to process and put words to. she was a precious and perfect gift, and it is truly my honor to be able to honor her with how i live.
the phrase "losing a child is something a parent never recovers from" has been swimming around in my head this past week. whenever i hear phrases over and over, i always try to pause and pray and see what the Lord is trying to tell me. well, we heard the phrase in an episode of the blacklist (we're a bit behind) as well as i had a friend say it about someone else. i have been bothered by that phrase, and it took me a while to figure out why.
well, i am a bit of an overachiever and perfectionist (shocker, i know), so i think the insinuation of "not recovering" to me has meant that i will remain damaged or broken or insert whatever word you want here. i don't know about you, but i do not like the way that sounds or what that may mean for my future. [yes i know we are all broken in the Christian meaning of the word, but i am referring to it in a different way here].
so, i decided to look up the definition of recover, and when i did, it read: "return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength." (thank you, google!) and there you go...that is why i have been bothered. because it most definitely is true then that i will not recover from "losing" lucy (though we all know where she is, and she's always in our hearts) because i won't return to the same person i was before she got her angel wings. and you know what? i wouldn't want to.
what? why? how does that make sense? well, let's break down the definition of recover. first, return to a normal state of health. lucy's entire journey has shown me how important it is to take care of your body...especially when it starts as perfectly healthy. now granted, i ate terribly while lucy was in the hospital, but hospital calories don't count, right?! lucy has made me want to be and remain active, always...for her honor. second, return to a normal state of mind. never will i be the same or have the same thought process about anything. i have had a REALLY good look at what is important in life and how to live each day to the fullest. there are many, many things that will no longer be an inconvenience or annoyance because i have one of the ultimate perspectives on life. lastly, return to a normal state of strength. umm...no thank you. i have known faith and Jesus like never before, and i wouldn't want to go back to my comfortable Christianity. lucy had and has a tremendous Kingdom impact and purpose, and it is up to me to fulfill it and honor it all of the days of my life.
so, no, i won't ever recover from "losing" lucy, but i can honestly say, i don't want to. i know i will be a better mom, wife, person, friend, etc. because of my sweet little girl and all of the lessons i am just now beginning to process and put words to. she was a precious and perfect gift, and it is truly my honor to be able to honor her with how i live.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
THE plan
i am all about a plan. i try to plan as much of my day, week, life that i am able to. i have big dreams and big goals. BUT i serve an even BIGGER God! i grew up hearing, "keep telling God your plans, and he'll laugh" from different adults, though thankfully never my parents. i have always really disliked this statement. i think it's important to plan...to dream...to set goals. i think God wants to know every desire of your heart. but, i have also always prayed to stay in the will of God and to be able to have discernment when it comes to knowing the difference between MY plan and THE plan.
little lucy's diagnosis is probably the biggest (and obviously most recent) deviation of my plan from God's plan, but wow did God make this plan clear and amazing! i cannot wait to share with you throughout my posts on how He went before us to prepare us for lucy, and how He continues to show up every. single. day.
i will start with having babies. i've always wanted to have my first baby at 25 (check) and my second at 27 (check)...i also wanted to have my last baby before 30 and used to think i wanted four kiddos all two years apart...somehow that math doesn't really work unless i have twins (and that is not in MY plan)! i digress...anyway, back to baby number 2, sweet lucy! i really wanted our kiddos two years apart, but we started trying for baby number 2 shortly after ellie turned one (i know, that would put them closer than two years). well, i got pregnant and had an early miscarriage at four/five weeks in december of 2014. i know miscarriages are common and immediately knew this was God's plan; of course i was sad, but it was a "chemical" pregnancy which means had i not taken the test when i did but waited a week, i would have never known i was pregnant because that baby was not meant to be from the start. for one, i joked with my husband that God knew i didn't want a summer baby for baby number 2 (clearly i have issues...and we are firm believers in you laugh or you''ll cry). but for two, and more importantly, had i carried that baby to birth and beyond, we would have never gotten the gift of lucy. i know that was God's plan for preparing the way for her.
we found out about lucy's strong likelihood of having t21 (trisomy 21 or down syndrome) at my 13 week ultrasound. my OB practice sends every pregnant mom to the perinatologist for their 13 and 20 week ultrasounds. i haven't ever requested any specific doctor because i've never had a need to. so the day of our appointment, it snowed and iced like crazy. needless to say the appointment was rescheduled. cue God's plan for the specific doctor he wanted us to have. we went to our rescheduled appointment and was told something was not right with the baby. the sweetest man (doctor) told us in a very gentle way that lucy had a 50/50 chance to survive the next few weeks, and if she did, she would most likely have down syndrome and a heart defect. can we please pause at the fact they could tell all of these things at 13 weeks pregnant?! that is insane! we had chromosome testing done that day (i will write a post about the testing we had done and why later).
we had our two year old, ellie, with us in the appointment that day, and we had mark's mom come and get her. we processed through the potential diagnosis with the doctor, and he only had very positive and encouraging things to say about people and life with down syndrome. we also met with the genetics counselor who told us from lucy's given potential diagnosis and what they saw in the ultrasound that it was legal to end sweet lucy's life if we chose to. i think mark and i just stared at the guy and gave him a look that said "i'm sure that did not come out of your mouth, that's not an option, next..." i know they are doing their job, but... (you can look forward to a future post about the staggering rate of abortions in prenatally diagnosed babies with t21).
so, we went home and just kind of laid in the bed all day. for me, i was worried about losing our baby, our gift, growing inside me. i honestly didn't care about the down syndrome diagnosis. i could deal with that; i just wanted our baby to make it! i never thought i wouldn't have a child with special needs, though don't mishear me, because i didn't necessarily think i would either. but that was not as worrisome to me as losing our baby was. we took that one day to let the reality of what could be sink in and decided that from that day on, this was going to be our journey, and we were going to do it to the best of our ability.
we got the confirmation a few days later that lucy did indeed have t21. okay. we can handle that...we still had a few more days until our next appointment to see if our sweet girl was still with us. when we got to our next appointment, our doctor was the only one in the room. he later told us he did that on purpose because given what he saw last time, he didn't think she would make it to that day. he had noticed fluid (heart failure) all over her body, and in the next appointment, it was all gone! Praise the LORD! we were so grateful lucy overcame her first obstacle and were ready to start planning and dreaming about life with our new little girl!
once we got home, we started talking about God's plan for our family and how His plan is different than what we originally imagined. however, we noticed time and time again where God had gone before us to let us know not only is the journey going to be okay one day, it is going to be great today. mark was scheduled to cross travel with a man he normally does not travel with three weeks following lucy's diagnosis. and, you guessed it, he has a twenty-something year old daughter with down syndrome. God is amazing!! my husband also worked closely with a guy who has a son with down syndrome, and mark and i had met the son at a christmas party. mark actually had a visit planned with this guy (in pittsburgh) the week of our diagnosis as well as the week after! these two Godly men were placed in mark's path for God's plan and purpose! mark was also given the draw the circle book by mark batterson (if you haven't read it, you should!) for christmas, and mark knows that was just what he needed to be reading during this time. it talks about circling your biggest hopes, dreams, fears, etc. in prayer and had a 40 day prayer challenge to go with it.
i immediately started thinking of the positive ways down syndrome would impact our life (more on that later). let's face it, lucy's diagnosis wasn't going to change, and i wasn't going to mourn or think about "what if" or "what could have been." i totally get everyone processes things differently, and i absolutely think there is no right or wrong way to process something like this. but for me, i couldn't go there because it was wasted energy to me. God was giving us lucy, and i was going to do my best to be the best for her. ellie experienced tremendous joy while she was growing inside me, and i had a friend tell me that lucy deserved to experience as much joy while developing inside me as ellie did. i absolutely loved that, and i vowed to make sure she did! i also didn't want to take away from the next 5 precious months of ellie's life with a cloud over it; i am in this life to live everyday to its fullest and savor every moment, and i hope i die continuing to try to do that!
mark and i did our best to try to connect with people within our circle who had a child with down syndrome or a heart defect during the remainder of lucy's pregnancy. i was encouraged immensely by medical professionals, family, and friends. i purposely tried not to read too much because i know we have a lot coming our way in the future. i will be mindful and planful, but i'm still just trying to stay in the moment our family is in.
i cannot wait to tell you more about our little family's life with our hilarious and joyful two year old, ellie, or sweet and strong 5 month old lucy! my next blog post will be about lucy's heart defect, her surgery, and how that journey is the current one we're in the middle of! thank you for taking the time to come alongside me and read about our journey!
little lucy's diagnosis is probably the biggest (and obviously most recent) deviation of my plan from God's plan, but wow did God make this plan clear and amazing! i cannot wait to share with you throughout my posts on how He went before us to prepare us for lucy, and how He continues to show up every. single. day.
i will start with having babies. i've always wanted to have my first baby at 25 (check) and my second at 27 (check)...i also wanted to have my last baby before 30 and used to think i wanted four kiddos all two years apart...somehow that math doesn't really work unless i have twins (and that is not in MY plan)! i digress...anyway, back to baby number 2, sweet lucy! i really wanted our kiddos two years apart, but we started trying for baby number 2 shortly after ellie turned one (i know, that would put them closer than two years). well, i got pregnant and had an early miscarriage at four/five weeks in december of 2014. i know miscarriages are common and immediately knew this was God's plan; of course i was sad, but it was a "chemical" pregnancy which means had i not taken the test when i did but waited a week, i would have never known i was pregnant because that baby was not meant to be from the start. for one, i joked with my husband that God knew i didn't want a summer baby for baby number 2 (clearly i have issues...and we are firm believers in you laugh or you''ll cry). but for two, and more importantly, had i carried that baby to birth and beyond, we would have never gotten the gift of lucy. i know that was God's plan for preparing the way for her.
we found out about lucy's strong likelihood of having t21 (trisomy 21 or down syndrome) at my 13 week ultrasound. my OB practice sends every pregnant mom to the perinatologist for their 13 and 20 week ultrasounds. i haven't ever requested any specific doctor because i've never had a need to. so the day of our appointment, it snowed and iced like crazy. needless to say the appointment was rescheduled. cue God's plan for the specific doctor he wanted us to have. we went to our rescheduled appointment and was told something was not right with the baby. the sweetest man (doctor) told us in a very gentle way that lucy had a 50/50 chance to survive the next few weeks, and if she did, she would most likely have down syndrome and a heart defect. can we please pause at the fact they could tell all of these things at 13 weeks pregnant?! that is insane! we had chromosome testing done that day (i will write a post about the testing we had done and why later).
we had our two year old, ellie, with us in the appointment that day, and we had mark's mom come and get her. we processed through the potential diagnosis with the doctor, and he only had very positive and encouraging things to say about people and life with down syndrome. we also met with the genetics counselor who told us from lucy's given potential diagnosis and what they saw in the ultrasound that it was legal to end sweet lucy's life if we chose to. i think mark and i just stared at the guy and gave him a look that said "i'm sure that did not come out of your mouth, that's not an option, next..." i know they are doing their job, but... (you can look forward to a future post about the staggering rate of abortions in prenatally diagnosed babies with t21).
so, we went home and just kind of laid in the bed all day. for me, i was worried about losing our baby, our gift, growing inside me. i honestly didn't care about the down syndrome diagnosis. i could deal with that; i just wanted our baby to make it! i never thought i wouldn't have a child with special needs, though don't mishear me, because i didn't necessarily think i would either. but that was not as worrisome to me as losing our baby was. we took that one day to let the reality of what could be sink in and decided that from that day on, this was going to be our journey, and we were going to do it to the best of our ability.
we got the confirmation a few days later that lucy did indeed have t21. okay. we can handle that...we still had a few more days until our next appointment to see if our sweet girl was still with us. when we got to our next appointment, our doctor was the only one in the room. he later told us he did that on purpose because given what he saw last time, he didn't think she would make it to that day. he had noticed fluid (heart failure) all over her body, and in the next appointment, it was all gone! Praise the LORD! we were so grateful lucy overcame her first obstacle and were ready to start planning and dreaming about life with our new little girl!
once we got home, we started talking about God's plan for our family and how His plan is different than what we originally imagined. however, we noticed time and time again where God had gone before us to let us know not only is the journey going to be okay one day, it is going to be great today. mark was scheduled to cross travel with a man he normally does not travel with three weeks following lucy's diagnosis. and, you guessed it, he has a twenty-something year old daughter with down syndrome. God is amazing!! my husband also worked closely with a guy who has a son with down syndrome, and mark and i had met the son at a christmas party. mark actually had a visit planned with this guy (in pittsburgh) the week of our diagnosis as well as the week after! these two Godly men were placed in mark's path for God's plan and purpose! mark was also given the draw the circle book by mark batterson (if you haven't read it, you should!) for christmas, and mark knows that was just what he needed to be reading during this time. it talks about circling your biggest hopes, dreams, fears, etc. in prayer and had a 40 day prayer challenge to go with it.
i immediately started thinking of the positive ways down syndrome would impact our life (more on that later). let's face it, lucy's diagnosis wasn't going to change, and i wasn't going to mourn or think about "what if" or "what could have been." i totally get everyone processes things differently, and i absolutely think there is no right or wrong way to process something like this. but for me, i couldn't go there because it was wasted energy to me. God was giving us lucy, and i was going to do my best to be the best for her. ellie experienced tremendous joy while she was growing inside me, and i had a friend tell me that lucy deserved to experience as much joy while developing inside me as ellie did. i absolutely loved that, and i vowed to make sure she did! i also didn't want to take away from the next 5 precious months of ellie's life with a cloud over it; i am in this life to live everyday to its fullest and savor every moment, and i hope i die continuing to try to do that!
mark and i did our best to try to connect with people within our circle who had a child with down syndrome or a heart defect during the remainder of lucy's pregnancy. i was encouraged immensely by medical professionals, family, and friends. i purposely tried not to read too much because i know we have a lot coming our way in the future. i will be mindful and planful, but i'm still just trying to stay in the moment our family is in.
i cannot wait to tell you more about our little family's life with our hilarious and joyful two year old, ellie, or sweet and strong 5 month old lucy! my next blog post will be about lucy's heart defect, her surgery, and how that journey is the current one we're in the middle of! thank you for taking the time to come alongside me and read about our journey!
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