fear

i made a lot of time for myself to think and to process various things this summer.  i devoured books that mentored me, challenged me, and inspired me.  i have thought a lot about what motivates me and what "controls" me.  throughout this journey, i kept coming back to the thought of fear and what that means to me and what makes me afraid.  i have never considered myself a fearful person because i didn't think i was really afraid of anything.  well, after some soul searching, i realized i do have fears that i had just mislabeled or not realized.  i've broken my thoughts into three parts: the things that do not make me fearful, the things that used to make me fearful, and what my current/future fear is.

i have never been one to be fearful of things out of my control.  i would like to think i make sound decisions and use good judgement when doing most anything, so if something different than my plan happens, it was meant to be.  i do not worry about the weather, but i do get in the closet without windows in our house during a tornado warning (they have those warnings for a reason)!  i do not worry about my safety or the safety of my family; we wear our seat belts in the car, drive wisely, make educated decisions about where we travel, etc.  i do not worry about my house; my house is my home because of the people who are in it, not things...we live in a safe area, and i'll happily take out the trash at 1am if i'm up and working around the house.  i do not worry about sickness or death for my loved ones or myself; we have one body to take care of (well, maybe more than one if you're a parent), and as long as we eat well, stay active, get check ups, and go to the doctor when in doubt, there is nothing else we can do.  whenever i was worried about lucy to the point that i was uncomfortable caring for her at home, we just journeyed to the ER, and she was always admitted to the hospital.  once we were there, i knew she was in the best possible hands and that God had a great plan for her life, so i can honestly say i was not fraught with worry and fear throughout her life.

so isn't that list lovely?  hooray for me for not being afraid of the things of out my control and the things that would happen once in a lifetime or at the most, rarely.  i'm not sure about you, but that doesn't make me feel empowered at all...and do you want to know why?  because i realized what i used to be afraid of controlled a lot of my words and certainly my actions.  and by used to, i mean i just had this major realization over the summer, and seeing how today is the last day of summer, i'm clearly still working on it. ;)  but what was this culprit that had SUCH a hold on me?  people and their words.  let that sink in for a minute.  the odds of my family or myself being in a place that's the target of a terrorist attack or my house burning down are so slim, it's almost none, so it makes sense to not have a fear of those things.  but the odds of people talking to me?  umm...that would be 100%.  once i was able identify this unknown fear i had, i was able to start to relinquish control of it...with lots of prayers and when needed, counsel.

my love language is words of affirmation.  that means the greatest gift someone can give me is with their words, and consequently, the greatest hurt someone can give me is with their words.  i developed the "disease to please" early in life (i have many theories on why, but that is for several future blog posts), and i think people have used that for good and not for good in my life.  i always wanted to be the best at everything...the best daughter, sister, student, friend, employee...you name it.  whenever i got positive reinforcement or praise for things i did to achieve that "status," i would push myself to be even better next time.

i was always wondering if people were talking about me judgmentally or critically.  when i was in high school, my dad loved to say, "jenny thinks the football players are talking about her in the huddle," meaning, i used to think everyone was always talking about me.  i (thankfully) got over my fear of people talking about me in my early twenties, and i think a big part of that is the self realization that i'm not that important for people to talk about!  i have learned to be confident in who i am as well as strong (and at times vocal) for what i stand for and believe in.  those that know and love me do so because of (and let's be honest, in spite of) the qualities that make me, me.  i am now trying to consistently be my best self, and above all, my true self...not who someone wants me to be, needs me to be, or thinks i should be...just who i am in all of its unique glory.  so now i've named and claimed what specific fear has had a hold on me, i can prayerfully walk through life and relationships without adjusting my words and actions to meet that fear.

my current/future fear is not so much a fear to me, but rather a filter through which i view my life.  i do not want to get to the end of my life having missed the life i was given to live.  as i've said a million times and am probably no where near finished saying, lucy truly taught me the value and meaning of life.  i want to live my life without regret and without hurry.  i want to savor the moments, the meals, the gatherings, and the in between.  i want to live fully alive every day, without fear of the past or my future.  i want to be authentic, compassionate, and kind.  i want to live joyfully and continuously shine the light of Jesus.  i want to operate from love and God's word versus people's expectations.  i want to live a full life for as many days as i have on the earth.

a few ideas on how to love & support grieving loved ones

so i’ve thought for a while about writing this post, and i feel like i’ve had enough time to think about these few things that i’m about to share with you.  maybe you, like me, have stumbled across the articles written about things to do, things not to do, things to say, things not to say, etc. when someone is grieving.  not that the world needs another article written about it, but i thought...what the heck...i’ll share my experience and maybe it’ll help one person somewhere.  i would like to add that i think my list is more of a “how to approach someone going through a challenging time” because i think it can apply to the time period of diagnosis, hospital stays, loss, and probably many more situations.

before i start, i thought i’d give you a quick reminder of my personality and grieving style.  i am a super private person, and i do not like to be vulnerable or seen as vulnerable.  God has taught me a lot about this over the past year, and i’m trying to be better about sharing my story because i think God uses all of our stories to teach us.  my grieving style is thinking and action (versus the third, emotion), and i know this has made it challenging for some people to know how to best help me (i had someone tell me they forget how tough losing lucy must be for me because i come across so strong).

that being said, i can only speak for myself and my experiences, but if you know someone with a personality similar to mine, maybe these ideas will help guide you a little more with how to show your support and love in a way that meets their need.

1. take what they say as what they mean

when i was thirteen weeks pregnant with lucy, we got her prenatal diagnosis of down syndrome and her heart defect. we immediately knew we wanted to share the news those who already knew we were pregnant as well as those that would pray for lucy's growth and development (the doctor gave us a 50/50 chance she'd make it to our next appt). we wrote an email to everyone to let them know what we knew and to ask for specific prayer. we also asked that people not ask about it until we told them we were ready because mark and i wanted to process by ourselves first. the outpouring of texts and emails offering love, support, and encouragement were overwhelming but amazing because almost no one asked for anything in return.

my advice in dealing with more private people like me is to respect their wishes and pray alongside them...knowing that since they shared that information with you in the first place that they'll want to further discuss it once they're ready and able.

2. tell them specific things you will do for them

whenever someone tells me "let me know if there's anything i can do for you" or "just let me know what you need," there is a 100% chance i will say that i so appreciate the offer but i'm good. i do not like the feeling of asking someone for a favor (though i am getting better) or feeling like i am inconveniencing anyone by what i ask. the offerings and help that have meant the most for me have been the specific ones that i am "told" someone is going to do for me. i have loved when i get texts that say "i'm bringing y'all dinner on thursday and leaving it on your porch." this is my favorite because there is no pressure to visit (though we usually want to and look forward to catching up with the sweet deliverer), and you cannot go wrong with food!

mark and i went over a year without a date night with just the two of us. because we had had to ask for help with ellie while juggling lucy's hospital stays, we did not want to ask for further favors to watch ellie and/or lucy because we wanted to spend time by ourselves. i had one person tell me "i am going to keep ellie for you for an afternoon while you do ______." i loved this.

don't be offended if the person doesn't take you up on your specific offer; it may not be good timing or work for them, but i guarantee it will mean the world when you just state what you want to do for them and follow through!

3. be there for their support; don't require support from them

this is a challenging one that i'm still processing through. i like to be a fixer and counselor, so i have suppressed my feelings too many times over the past year in order to help several people process how what we're going through is affecting them. i was guilty of fulfilling what someone else wants and supporting them versus what i may have needed for support at that time.

probably one of the most obvious times for support is right after an event (diagnosis, loss, etc.). if you go to someone's house after said event, be sure you go to support them in whatever ways they may need (they may need you to just send them to bed and deal with their company). also, don't surprise people by just showing up; be sure the person you are going to support knows you are coming. we had many people come in and out the day lucy went to Heaven and experienced a spectrum of support.

moral of the story...be there for the one(s) going through the event and seek your own support from others in your support group while you dig in to help the one(s) in need of love and care.

4. say something

i have read many articles about the right & wrong things to say to someone who is grieving...how not to say that their loved one is in a better place but to say that they are always here, etc. for me, i haven't had someone say "the wrong thing," and apart from someone saying that life is better without lucy (which no one ever would because clearly that's not true), i won't be offended by sentiments of comfort. i believe lucy is in best place ever (though that doesn't remove the ache of wanting her here with me every second), so that statement brings me comfort.

the most hurtful thing i experienced was when someone, who was close to me, said nothing. the silence is truly deafening. i know people don't know what to say...because i would still have no idea what to say to you if you lost a child. i do know that i would say "i don't know what to say" and would ask and bring up the child who has passed away.

always say something. if the person is your close friend or acquaintance on facebook, take the time to write a message, send a note, or give a call. it means more than you'll ever know.

happy birthday, lucy!

sweet lucy would have been one year old today!  we know she is having the biggest and best party with Jesus to celebrate!  i thought long and hard about what i could write about her first birthday, and i think i'll keep it simple and just put what mark and i said at her celebration of life service below.  mark welcomed everyone, and i gave the eulogy.  we love our sweet lucy girl so much and are celebrating the fact that she was being born this time last year and came to us as an amazing gift we didn't deserve or earn!

mark's welcome:
thank you so much for joining us today to celebrate our sweet little girl, lucy.  while we are deeply saddened by her loss, today we celebrate her new life with our Savior.  we hope our time together this morning not only honors her legacy but also honors our Creator...who created all of us in His image...as psalm 139:14 states, "we praise you because we are fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are perfect, we know that full well." lucy is a shining example that God made us perfectly imperfect, and He numbers our days.  it just so happens lucy had fewer days with us here on earth but has a few more than all of us in eternity.  we are so excited that today we can celebrate her homecoming together.

jenny's euglogy:

like mark said, thank you all so much for coming out this morning to help us celebrate the life of our precious lucy! as many of you know, lucy jane rockett was born on august 26, 2015.  we named her lucy jane because lucy means light and jane means God’s gracious gift…and my what a light and gift she was and forever will be!

lucy was born with down syndrome and a complex congenital heart defect; facts we learned about her when i was twelve weeks pregnant.  we had almost her entire pregnancy to prepare for her, learn as much as we could about challenges we could face at birth and after, but most importantly get excited for her!  we knew she was going to be one of our greatest blessings, and she certainly was!  i once had a dear friend say that lucy, like all babies, was a precious gift who just came with a few more bows than typical babies have.  i have forever loved that analogy, and plus—who doesn’t like bows?!  well, over lucy’s sweet and short life, we tried to get her to not like so many bows, but like her sister, she was all about the bows!

we saw lucy for exactly what and who she was—our baby and our lucy!  she was able to come home in the typical time frame after she was born, and we couldn’t wait to start our life as a family of four!  since we knew she was quite fragile because of her heart and upcoming surgery, we tried to keep her protected from germs as best as we could, but we still took her out on adventures and our sweet friends and family came and visited with her!  we took lucy to disney world on thanksgiving and spent a few days in the happiest place on earth.  we were blissfully ignorant of lucy’s true condition, and i am grateful for that time period when knowing less was more.  

lucy had her heart surgery on december 18th , and in true lucy fashion, she had quite the dramatic recovery.  her heart was in far worse shape than any of us or her doctors knew or saw on her echos.  we were told she would most likely require a future valve surgery, but she needed to recover from this one first and grow as big as she could.  the scariest day of my life happened on christmas eve when lucy had a respiratory arrest followed by an 8 minute code.  she went onto recover from that and her surgery as best as she could, but that day was a pivotal day in our parenting and in my perspective.  

fast forward…her last two weeks of life were both the fastest and slowest weeks of my life.  lucy was such a warrior and a fighter; she gave her all and then some.  her body just decided it was ready to move on to bigger and better, and she made her end decisions for us.  lucy never complained, always fought, and brought the ultimate joy to everyone she met along the way.

i could stand up here and talk for days about what God has taught me through lucy, but i’ll try to stick to just a few more minutes or so.  lucy truly taught me more in her almost nine months of life than i’ve learned in the 28 years of mine.  

lucy taught me it absolutely takes a village to raise kiddos, and that i had better make sure i was intentional and invested in our village.  she taught me perfection can only be crafted by God but to do and give my all each and everyday.  she made me realize that when my gut—whether mommy gut or life gut—said that i needed to do something, be somewhere, say something…that i had better act on that as fast as i could.

above all else, lucy taught me that God was in control and always has the better plan.  i think it’s so important that we plan and dream about our lives and our futures…and know that when they take a turn we didn’t plan for, that that’s the Big Man saying He’s in control and He’s got us.  lucy taught me it really doesn’t do any good to think about things we can’t control.  she reemphasized that we should truly take life one day at a time… to hope for the best and plan for the worst.  

lucy was such a gift and such a light to all of those she met.  she adored her sister with all that she had, and ellie could not have loved or doted on lucy more than she did.  lucy absolutely embodied what tennyson said when he said, “it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  i have been deeply, profoundly changed in all of the most impactful and amazing ways because God allowed me to be lucy’s mommy for her 8.5 months on earth.  

this was lucy’s adventure and we were just lucky enough to be along for her ride and be a part of her journey, but because of our faith in Jesus, we know her real adventure has just begun! ☺

an inch wide & a mile deep

friendship. friend. best friend. acquaintance. close friend. soul sister.

i'm not sure what these words mean to you, but they have meant various things to me over the years.  they have certainly elicited different feelings from me depending on the phase of life i was in as well.  i am not what i would call a girl's girl. from elementary school through high school, i always found it easier to talk to and be friends with guys.  and believe me when i say friends with guys and no more...i have only kissed one other boy besides my husband, and that was my long-term high school boyfriend after we dated for a year (but alas, i digress).  i have always tried to avoid drama in my life, and i found that a lot of girl friendships had a lot of drama in middle and high school.  

then cue college where i joined (an amazing) sorority, and bam! was instantly surrounded by a lot of awesome girls who made seemingly easy friendships.  i'm sure it comes as no shocker that i'm pretty reserved and really private (this foray into the blogging world is truly a new type of vulnerability).  my personality does not have the capacity to have 87 close friends and certainly not 20 best friends.  i also thought a best friend had to meet every friendship need and aspect of my life and personality, and i have a best friend who challenged that mindset in college.  she said there are different people in her life that fulfill different roles for her; they all add up to the one whole person she needs to go through life with (besides her husband), but each friend holds her accountable for and teaches her different things.  cue light bulb.

i can honestly say i hadn't really opened up to anyone (besides mark) about deep feelings that i could be judged for, critiqued for, or talked about until the last few years...because let's be serious...if you REALLY knew me, would you still want to be my best friend?  i have one best friend who has always encouraged me to be my best self and has always shared the ways i have impacted her life for the better (and you have no idea what a gift those words are for this words of affirmation girl right here).  however, recently, she shared that i asked her (years ago) how she was doing (knowing the answer was not the answer she gave me), and she said i pushed her to be real and authentic with me because i said that best friends are real and genuine and love each other no matter what.  well, good for you, jenny, but how often did i take my own advice?  yeah...about that...what a novel idea.  i was a good best friend; a safe place for people to land and an absolute no judgement zone that i tried to fill with grace.  yet...

it took me a really long time to let other people be the friend to me that i tried to be with them.  it has taken me many years to really cultivate my best friendships, and trust is at the top of my requirements.  i want girlfriends in my life who are a safe place for my thoughts, feelings, and processing to land.  i want girlfriends who will call my bluff and make me keep talking, even when i don't want to.  i want girlfriends who will challenge me and push back when i say things they either disagree with or when they know that action/thought/etc. doesn't help me become who they know i want to be.  and i want best friends who know all of me--the good, the bad, the ugly, the messy, the best moments--all of it.  i want best friends who are my biggest cheerleaders for my successes and see my success as their own instead of a competition.

throughout lucy's whole life, from finding out about her extra special chromosome and heart defect at 13 weeks pregnant through now, i have had an amazing opportunity to really evaluate and pour into these best friends of mine.  i watched as this core group rallied around me to meet my needs (whether it be a text with words of encouragement, a visit to the hospital with coffee or food, or coming by the house with coffee, food, or just themselves as an adult to talk to).  i have learned (thanks to lucy) that these are my people, my best friends.  there are no unmet expectations with them--just the expectation that we love each other and want the best for each other and are here for each other--no matter what.

i can count my best friends on one hand.  and i have picked each one up at different times in my life (a really, really awesome thing, if you ask me).  i have one from middle school, one from high school, one from college, one from my teaching days, and one from becoming a mommy.  all five of these girls are married, two have kids, and all are invaluable to me growing into the person i am supposed to be.  

so, i titled this entry "an inch wide & a mile deep."  that's because my best friends are not many, but they sure are deep friendships.  if you, like me, long for that deep female friendship connection, is there any part of you holding yourself back from being loved well by your people?  let's all let our guards down for our "few," because when you are fully loved and fully known, truly beautiful things start to happen both within your friendship and within yourself.

THAT question

what question you ask?  oh, the one that goes like this...how many children do you have?

before i begin and give my answer to this question, i just want to disclaim that i truly believe there is no right or wrong way to answer this question. i have learned in my three months of life in the infant loss world, parents (and especially moms) have VERY strong feelings about this question and its answer.  and you know what, i totally get that; the answer to this question is a judgement free zone...always.  to lose a child is one of the hardest things we can go through, and so i believe we have to answer this question in the way that will give us peace and comfort.

now that being said, this question and its answer was one of the first things i thought about and prayed about after lucy passed away.  lucy (just like ellie and hopefully future kiddos) was and always will be one of my greatest gift(s).  i think of lucy every second of every day and try to live my life in a way that will always honor her.  so to cut to the chase...if i were asked this question today, what would i say?  i would say i have one child.

here are my thoughts on why i would say such a thing.  my inner circle, middle circle, outer circle, and even some outliers know about lucy.  they don't ask me how many children i have.  they know i have had two girls.  they ask me how i am, and they bring up lucy in conversation.  i can pick up where we left off in conversation about how we're doing and such.

so the person that would ask me how many children i have doesn't know me from adam.  this person may be the sweet lady in the elevator who sees me with ellie and says, "is she your only one?" (ellie has no idea what this means, so i can safely say yes and smile).  i was honored to be able to co-host a baby shower for one of my best friends recently, and one of the ladies there asked how many children i had, and i answered one (for me, that was not the place to even go near that subject).

lucy is such a light and bright spot in my life, and if i don't have time to sit down with you on a bench and tell you more than you want to know about her, then i don't want to slight her by mentioning her and then having to walk away.  i don't want someone to have pity on me or feel sorry for me for losing lucy, when lucy is and always will be one of my greatest gifts and teachers.  now, if you come into my house (and i don't know you well enough to have let you in on my sweet angel), then you will undoubtedly see pictures, hear her name, and then we'll sit on my couch, drink coffee, and i'll tell you all about my sweet girl.

lucy lives loud and strong in my heart and always will.  i will fiercely protect her legacy just like i protected her life while here on earth.  i will not tell unknowing and well-meaning strangers about lucy in a five minute exchange somewhere because to me that can't paint a picture of my girl.

we hear about how not to judge people because everyone is fighting battles we don't know.  my challenge for us today is to not ask pressing questions, assume anything about why someone does or doesn't have kids or why they only have one, etc.  similarly, i challenge us to not take offense when a kind stranger smiles and asks what they think is just an innocent question.  we all carry our special things and people near and dear to our heart.  and i can say, without a doubt in my mind, that lucy knows i will love and honor her for all of the days of my life.

divide & conquer

mark and i have always had the divide and conquer mentality when it comes to getting things done.  about six weeks after we were married, mark had to go somewhere for work for a few weeks; the first fall we were married, he was in chicago for work for almost three months, and i was here in atlanta in my first teaching job.  granted, i am far more introverted than extroverted, so i truly don't mind my "jenny time" or solo time with kiddos...BUT i always enjoy life the most when all of my family is together, and we're able to go through daily life or adventure together.

lucy took divide and conquer to a whole new level, and i'm grateful for the lessons she really hammered home about it.  i handled most of lucy's medical, so i usually took her to her doctor's appointments and to the hospital by myself.  if i'm really being honest, i really didn't mind doing this alone because i (selfishly) only needed to take care of lucy and myself during those times (and any processing/emotions that came along with those visits).

throughout our precious time with lucy, we did as much as we could with all four of us!  we weren't able to go too far away from home (especially after lucy's surgery), but we were able to go to disney twice (two of my most favorite memories), and we took lucy on overnight trips a couple of other times.  in the times when all four of us couldn't go somewhere where we really wanted to go or should go, then mark and ellie would go (if lucy was in the hospital), or i would take ellie and mark would stay home with lucy (usually these were for weekend or day trips because obviously mark still had to work)!  we were also restricted with where we would let lucy go or who could be around her during respiratory season (october-april) because the hospital wouldn't allow visitors (sibling or not) under 18 to visit their patients on the floor, so we adopted that rule for our home as well.

as a family, we have made a it a priority to try to do everything we can do with and for others.  this oftentimes leads us to dividing and conquering, especially if it's somewhere ellie and i can go during the week while mark is working.  lucy really hammered home the point that we just need to do what we can do when we can do it.  i truly believe when we've been able to do that, if we have to miss weddings, birthday parties, or a planned visit, then that's okay...because we've been intentional with our time and have done what we can when we can.  i don't know about you, but that brought me a lot of peace because i could lay my head on my pillow at night and know i went everywhere i could go and did everything i could do, and when i couldn't, i simply couldn't.

one of my favorite divide and conquer memories during our time with lucy was a planned trip we had to disney in january (clearly we are beyond hopeful people, since lucy's surgery was four weeks before our trip).  mark and i had planned to run the half (again, hopeful jenny...i don't even run, what the heck?!), and make a weekend trip out of it.  well, sweet lucy was still in the hospital, so mark and i made the decision for me to stay with lucy and for he and ellie to go (along with mark's dad).  and do you know how i felt about that?!  i LOVED every second!  ellie got to have the time of her life at disney with her daddy and ethie (alan's grandpa name), and to say she was treated like a princess doesn't even touch the experience she had.  i had so much joy when mark would send me pictures of their adventures, and i knew that he and ellie were somewhere magical while lucy and i were at the hospital.  if they hadn't have gone to disney, they would have been stuck at home and around atlanta while lucy and i were in the hospital.

i hope we all have the mentality to do what we're able to do when we're able to do it. sadly, this doesn't always mean we should do what we WANT to do when we WANT to do it (wouldn't that be nice?!), but it does mean we need to do what we SHOULD do when we're ABLE to do it! i know that's a life lesson i understood a little bit before lucy and now understand it even more...especially because i've been on the receiving end of friends and family coming to see me (and visit precious lucy) when they had to leave their kiddos or spouse at home, and i cannot tell you how much those visits meant to me.  so, i challenge us all to look for opportunities to visit, to make memories, to be present in situations even if it means dividing and conquering within our family to let people know that they are a priority to us.

emotionally healthy home: part 2

as a mom and as an adult (how did that happen?), i am always watching, listening, and observing other families with kiddos.  i think experience...whether it's mine or others...is by far the greatest teacher.  we lead our families by example and by our teaching, which is why a couple of acts from kids/young adults after lucy passed away were SO moving and inspiring to me.

my first example is of the courage of a mom to encourage and facilitate her kids to be a part of lucy's story after she passed away.  i have known this sweet family for five years; i taught the oldest daughter in sixth grade science (wahoo!).  i loved this family from day one because the mom was always very warm and very real, and her daughter was a bright spot in my day!  after i left teaching, i continued to tutor the oldest (and later the youngest) in math (my first love), and i continued this through ellie's infancy and even tutored a little when i was pregnant with lucy.  i would take ellie with me to their house, and the rest of the family would play with ellie while I tutored one of the kids.  i loved any time i was able to spend at their house and around their kids because all four of them were kind, thoughtful, and mature.

well, fast forward to life in the fast lane. i hadn't see them since my last tutoring session while i was pregnant with lucy (apart from us following each other on social media).  so imagine how absolutely touching it was when i received an envelope of cards after lucy passed away where each member of the family had written us their own card with their own words...which showed great compassion and great faith.  the mom also brought three of the four kids to lucy's service (the dad and one of the boys were out of town), and they stood in line to talk to us and give us hugs.

i was so deeply moved because i think an "easy" response (if i was in that situation) would be to say, "that is such an awful thing the rocketts are going through; let's remember them in our prayers." but no, they dug in and willingly became a part of something that was beautiful (lucy going to Heaven), yet really painful (a baby is no longer here).  they moved toward the beautiful mess of life and the kids (at age 16, two at 14, and one at 12), were actively a part of something that may stay with them for the rest of their lives.

a second example is mark's cousin, alex.  alex and his mom came and stayed with us for four days at the beginning of march, so he could shadow mark at his work (alex was a junior in high school at the time and had to do an internship over his winter break).  i was so excited they were coming to stay because i have been able to get to know mark's aunt, lori, throughout our marriage, but i hadn't spent much time around her three kids (up until that point).  well, of course our sweet lucy went to the hospital the night they were coming in town and stayed in the hospital the duration of their stay; however, one day when mark and alex were heading back home from the office, they came to the hospital to visit because alex wanted to meet lucy.

i loved being able to spend a little time with alex at the hospital and was so excited he got to meet lucy!  well, the day lucy passed away, alex found out while he was at school.  when mark and i got home from the hospital later that morning, we received our first flowers in honor of our precious lucy.  can you guess who sent them?  you got it.  alex learned about lucy's passing and ordered flowers right then and there at school...with his own money.  not money he got from his mom, not money he asked to use for this occasion, his own money...and he did it without even telling his mom.  i can't even begin to tell you what all i felt when we got those gorgeous flowers that day.  all i can say is, i hope i can instill a small fraction of whatever is it that alex has inside of him inside of ellie and future kiddos.

so, in sharing these two examples of families and kids/young adults that came alongside us during this time, i hope i can encourage each of us to look for intentional examples where we can come alongside someone else in their tough times.  i pray my kids have the faith, words, and understanding that the kids/young adults that wrote us all beautiful letters did.  i pray my kids have the compassion, initiative, and awareness that mark's cousin, alex, did.

we have so many examples of others who have intentionally and purposefully done things for us and said things to us that mean far more than i can even begin to describe.  lucy graduating to Heaven has revealed love and support like i've never known.  my eyes have been opened WIDE to really amazing ways that we can pay it forward and to ideas i would love to implement in my own family.  i cannot wait to share more of what i've experienced and learned along the way, so that all of us can take those collection of ideas and pass them on to other people and families who may have that exact need right now.

emotionally healthy home: part 1

my biggest concern when lucy got her angel wings was how this would impact ellie.  from the second we had lucy, ellie had a deep love and bond with her sister.  she always wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to hold her hand, to be in the same room, to encourage her on tummy time...you name it, ellie was all about it!  once the respiratory season was lifted in the hospital, ellie even got to come and visit lucy several times, and she always wanted to sit in her crib to be as close to her as possible...when she wasn't meeting all of lucy's special nurse friends! :)

i have a younger sister, and there is truly nothing like a sister bond, so i was beyond thrilled when we found out that lucy was a girl!  i harped the "sweet sisters" and "sisters are the best" and let their relationship flourish into everything it could have been during those 8.5 months with lucy.  when we returned from the hospital the morning after lucy passed away, we told ellie that lucy's heart had been very, very sick, and that she now lives with Jesus and isn't coming home.  that smart girl saw me packing up all of lucy's medical supplies for them to be picked up that afternoon, and she said, "lucy doesn't need her tube anymore!" and i said, "isn't that awesome?!  she doesn't need her tube, oxygen, medicines, anything!  she is totally happy, healthy, and healed."

so on it went for a few weeks...we talked (and still talk) about lucy everyday, and usually ellie is the one to bring her up.  we would always (by the grace of God) be able to have "happy" responses to the fact that lucy is ellie's sister in Heaven, she lives with Jesus, she's healed, etc. and didn't show her any negative emotion of the deep grief and loss that goes with a child going to Heaven.  well, all of that changed during our first counseling session (we have three sessions covered by mark's work, so we knew for sure we needed to do those three...we've done two to date).  i made the comment that i wanted to protect ellie from any negative impact that this could have on her, and the counselor made such a profound statement.

he said that ellie won't really remember lucy...her being here, her passing away, none of it...BUT she will remember the emotional impact that this time has and will have on her and our family.  he echoed how important it was that we talk about how we miss lucy and that we get sad.  he went on to say that if we cried in front of her and she asked what was wrong to say, "i just really miss lucy."  now, she shouldn't be having to get us out of bed or be our "joy" or reason for living, and she certainly is not our emotional support, but she should be able to understand at age two that sometimes sad things happen.

this was so eye opening to me because i think it's easy for us as parents to want to shield and protect our kids from anything other than a happy, hunky dory life.  but man, what a disservice and injustice we do to them and totally crush their ability to process, to overcome, and to have compassion when we make them think life is all rainbows and unicorns.  ever since that session, i have looked for ways to open ellie's eyes to the world around us in appropriate ways.  she doesn't need to know about world tragedies, but she does pray for our heart baby friends who have sick hearts and for people in our family and close circle who may be sick, have a baby in their belly, or are praying to have a baby.

ellie knows that lucy died and what that means (to a two year old), and right now she knows you either die when you are really, really sick or really, really old.  again, the tragedy of death is not something that we will talk about for a few years...unless (and i pray not) that happens within our circle.  because then we would talk about it because as friends and family, you have to move towards the mess, the pain, and the ugly...because that makes the beautiful, the sweet, and the journey that much more deep and that much more real.

so, i am striving to provide the most emotionally healthy home that i can (and i'm sure ellie will share the ways i've scarred her when she's older), but i now have an insight and a perspective from that counselor that i am elated to have.  i will hopefully be able to help ellie and future kiddos process the good, the bad, and the ugly and have them become more aware and be more grateful human beings in the process.

i don't know about you, but i certainly feel challenged and charged to dig in, to love fully, and be available for my people whenever they may need me for whatever joy or tragedy may be upon them...because that is what we do for those we love.

fine china

i don't know what your feelings are about fine china, but mine are not those of love.  now don't get me wrong, i think it is beautiful and fancy, but it is just not me.  i was persuaded to register for it when mark and i got married (six years ago), and i knew better.  i think it is more of an older generational thing to use fine china.  now don't get me wrong, if you have your grandmother's fine china, that is certainly special and a neat family heirloom.  i am talking about myself, at twenty two, registering for new china.

i also registered for my most favorite dishes (pottery barn emma dishes in white), and my forward thinking plan was that i can always dress those up to have a "fancy" table.  i LOVE my white dishes...i can eat pizza off of them or our christmas dinner complete with linen napkins, napkin rings, place cards, and beautiful centerpieces.  and a bonus--if i break a dinner plate, it will cost me $12 to replace it!

i love to have people in my house all of the time...friends, family, spend the night company, playdates, you name it.  i always want my home to feel warm, welcoming, and authentic, so for me, that means having things inside of it that help make that vision a reality.  so although my 10 place settings of lenox opal innocence china is truly gorgeous (and something i would still pick today if i wanted china),  i am on a mission to sell it and get rid of it.  it is stacked perfectly in the cabinets above my fridge, but why?!  even if i have space for things, it doesn't mean i should have them!  i have spoken to a few mentor women in my life, and they have all echoed the same thing, "i have it, but i haven't used in the 25 years we've been married."

so, my challenge for us today is...what do we have in our homes that takes up space but isn't something we're using or that reflects us?  i am practical and a minimalist by nature; i also have strong feelings of being good stewards of our property.  i am on a mission to sell, give away, or throw away stuff in my house that just takes up space.  it's the stuff you have because "you're supposed to have it" or because someone gave it to you and you feel badly to give it away--not because it's special to you.  or even better, it has a spot, so why not just keep it?!

here's to the first day in august and being intentional with the belongings in our home, how they reflect us, and how they enhance our family's vision!  that being said...anyone looking to buy china?! ;)

recovery

hi y'all!  before i begin, i am so sorry for my delay in the blogging world!  i wrote the entry below about "the plan" and immediately planned to write my next post about lucy's heart defect and status.  well, i was waiting until i really knew her full picture and plan for her next surgery before i did, and i wanted to follow thru on my word, so i haven't posted since then!  that being said, i am going to skip her heart story for now (don't worry, i'll definitely come back to it...several times), and i am going to try to blog about our journey as we travel this road with lucy now in heaven!

the phrase "losing a child is something a parent never recovers from" has been swimming around in my head this past week.  whenever i hear phrases over and over, i always try to pause and pray and see what the Lord is trying to tell me.  well, we heard the phrase in an episode of the blacklist (we're a bit behind) as well as i had a friend say it about someone else.  i have been bothered by that phrase, and it took me a while to figure out why.

well, i am a bit of an overachiever and perfectionist (shocker, i know), so i think the insinuation of "not recovering" to me has meant that i will remain damaged or broken or insert whatever word you want here.  i don't know about you, but i do not like the way that sounds or what that may mean for my future.  [yes i know we are all broken in the Christian meaning of the word, but i am referring to it in a different way here].

so, i decided to look up the definition of recover, and when i did, it read: "return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength."  (thank you, google!)  and there you go...that is why i have been bothered.  because it most definitely is true then that i will not recover from "losing" lucy (though we all know where she is, and she's always in our hearts) because i won't return to the same person i was before she got her angel wings.  and you know what?  i wouldn't want to.

what? why? how does that make sense?  well, let's break down the definition of recover.  first, return to a normal state of health.  lucy's entire journey has shown me how important it is to take care of your body...especially when it starts as perfectly healthy.  now granted, i ate terribly while lucy was in the hospital, but hospital calories don't count, right?!  lucy has made me want to be and remain active, always...for her honor.  second, return to a normal state of mind.  never will i be the same or have the same thought process about anything.  i have had a REALLY good look at what is important in life and how to live each day to the fullest.  there are many, many things that will no longer be an inconvenience or annoyance because i have one of the ultimate perspectives on life.  lastly, return to a normal state of strength.  umm...no thank you.  i have known faith and Jesus like never before, and i wouldn't want to go back to my comfortable Christianity.  lucy had and has a tremendous Kingdom impact and purpose, and it is up to me to fulfill it and honor it all of the days of my life.

so, no, i won't ever recover from "losing" lucy, but i can honestly say, i don't want to.  i know i will be a better mom, wife, person, friend, etc. because of my sweet little girl and all of the lessons i am just now beginning to process and put words to.  she was a precious and perfect gift, and it is truly my honor to be able to honor her with how i live.

THE plan

i am all about a plan.  i try to plan as much of my day, week, life that i am able to.  i have big dreams and big goals.  BUT i serve an even BIGGER God!  i grew up hearing, "keep telling God your plans, and he'll laugh" from different adults, though thankfully never my parents.  i have always really disliked this statement.  i think it's important to plan...to dream...to set goals.  i think God wants to know every desire of your heart.  but, i have also always prayed to stay in the will of God and to be able to have discernment when it comes to knowing the difference between MY plan and THE plan.

little lucy's diagnosis is probably the biggest (and obviously most recent) deviation of my plan from God's plan, but wow did God make this plan clear and amazing!  i cannot wait to share with you throughout my posts on how He went before us to prepare us for lucy, and how He continues to show up every. single. day.

i will start with having babies.  i've always wanted to have my first baby at 25 (check) and my second at 27 (check)...i also wanted to have my last baby before 30 and used to think i wanted four kiddos all two years apart...somehow that math doesn't really work unless i have twins (and that is not in MY plan)!  i digress...anyway, back to baby number 2, sweet lucy!  i really wanted our kiddos two years apart, but we started trying for baby number 2 shortly after ellie turned one (i know, that would put them closer than two years).  well, i got pregnant and had an early miscarriage at four/five weeks in december of 2014.  i know miscarriages are common and immediately knew this was God's plan; of course i was sad, but it was a "chemical" pregnancy which means had i not taken the test when i did but waited a week, i would have never known i was pregnant because that baby was not meant to be from the start.  for one, i joked with my husband that God knew i didn't want a summer baby for baby number 2 (clearly i have issues...and we are firm believers in you laugh or you''ll cry).  but for two, and more importantly, had i carried that baby to birth and beyond, we would have never gotten the gift of lucy.  i know that was God's plan for preparing the way for her.

we found out about lucy's strong likelihood of having t21 (trisomy 21 or down syndrome) at my 13 week ultrasound.  my OB practice sends every pregnant mom to the perinatologist for their 13 and 20 week ultrasounds.  i haven't ever requested any specific doctor because i've never had a need to.  so the day of our appointment, it snowed and iced like crazy.  needless to say the appointment was rescheduled.  cue God's plan for the specific doctor he wanted us to have.  we went to our rescheduled appointment and was told something was not right with the baby.  the sweetest man (doctor) told us in a very gentle way that lucy had a 50/50 chance to survive the next few weeks, and if she did, she would most likely have down syndrome and a heart defect.  can we please pause at the fact they could tell all of these things at 13 weeks pregnant?!  that is insane!  we had chromosome testing done that day (i will write a post about the testing we had done and why later).

we had our two year old, ellie, with us in the appointment that day, and we had mark's mom come and get her.  we processed through the potential diagnosis with the doctor, and he only had very positive and encouraging things to say about people and life with down syndrome. we also met with the genetics counselor who told us from lucy's given potential diagnosis and what they saw in the ultrasound that it was legal to end sweet lucy's life if we chose to.  i think mark and i just stared at the guy and gave him a look that said "i'm sure that did not come out of your mouth, that's not an option, next..."  i know they are doing their job, but... (you can look forward to a future post about the staggering rate of abortions in prenatally diagnosed babies with t21).

so, we went home and just kind of laid in the bed all day.  for me, i was worried about losing our baby, our gift, growing inside me.  i honestly didn't care about the down syndrome diagnosis.  i could deal with that; i just wanted our baby to make it!  i never thought i wouldn't have a child with special needs, though don't mishear me, because i didn't necessarily think i would either.  but that was not as worrisome to me as losing our baby was.  we took that one day to let the reality of what could be sink in and decided that from that day on, this was going to be our journey, and we were going to do it to the best of our ability.

we got the confirmation a few days later that lucy did indeed have t21.  okay.  we can handle that...we still had a few more days until our next appointment to see if our sweet girl was still with us.  when we got to our next appointment, our doctor was the only one in the room.  he later told us he did that on purpose because given what he saw last time, he didn't think she would make it to that day.  he had noticed fluid (heart failure) all over her body, and in the next appointment, it was all gone!  Praise the LORD!  we were so grateful lucy overcame her first obstacle and were ready to start planning and dreaming about life with our new little girl!

once we got home, we started talking about God's plan for our family and how His plan is different than what we originally imagined.  however, we noticed time and time again where God had gone before us to let us know not only is the journey going to be okay one day, it is going to be great today.  mark was scheduled to cross travel with a man he normally does not travel with three weeks following lucy's diagnosis.  and, you guessed it, he has a twenty-something year old daughter with down syndrome.  God is amazing!!  my husband also worked closely with a guy who has a son with down syndrome, and mark and i had met the son at a christmas party.  mark actually had a visit planned with this guy (in pittsburgh) the week of our diagnosis as well as the week after! these two Godly men were placed in mark's path for God's plan and purpose!  mark was also given the draw the circle book by mark batterson (if you haven't read it, you should!) for christmas, and mark knows that was just what he needed to be reading during this time.  it talks about circling your biggest hopes, dreams, fears, etc. in prayer and had a 40 day prayer challenge to go with it.

i immediately started thinking of the positive ways down syndrome would impact our life (more on that later).  let's face it, lucy's diagnosis wasn't going to change, and i wasn't going to mourn or think about "what if" or "what could have been." i totally get everyone processes things differently, and i absolutely think there is no right or wrong way to process something like this.  but for me, i couldn't go there because it was wasted energy to me.  God was giving us lucy, and i was going to do my best to be the best for her.  ellie experienced tremendous joy while she was growing inside me, and i had a friend tell me that lucy deserved to experience as much joy while developing inside me as ellie did.  i absolutely loved that, and i vowed to make sure she did!  i also didn't want to take away from the next 5 precious months of ellie's life with a cloud over it; i am in this life to live everyday to its fullest and savor every moment, and i hope i die continuing to try to do that!

mark and i did our best to try to connect with people within our circle who had a child with down syndrome or a heart defect during the remainder of lucy's pregnancy.  i was encouraged immensely by medical professionals, family, and friends.  i purposely tried not to read too much because i know we have a lot coming our way in the future.  i will be mindful and planful, but i'm still just trying to stay in the moment our family is in.

i cannot wait to tell you more about our little family's life with our hilarious and joyful two year old, ellie, or sweet and strong 5 month old lucy!  my next blog post will be about lucy's heart defect, her surgery, and how that journey is the current one we're in the middle of! thank you for taking the time to come alongside me and read about our journey!

hi y'all! it's me, jenny.

hi y'all!  it's me, jenny.  i have been wanting to blog for a long time about this and that, and i finally feel like the time is now, so here i go!  bear with me along the journey...i would love for you to come alongside me and share in my journey, and hopefully i, too, can learn a little about yours!  i am a deep thinker by nature, but i haven't ever been one to write down my thoughts.  i'm not sure why that is--maybe because i'm more math brained and analytical and maybe because it's pretty vulnerable to put your thoughts out there.

i have wanted to blog because i feel like i have searched for certain articles or perspectives on different things, and i haven't found the words or encouragement i was looking for.  i love real, genuine people who tell it like it is, but i also lean very heavily on the positive side of life.  life is such a gift and the living is such a journey!

i absolutely love my life and feel a big calling to use the way God has wired me for His glory and to lead people to Him!  i don't want this blog to be about me but about what i'm learning along the way in the hopes it gives you encouragement, a new perspective,  or starts a conversation!  so, thank you for walking beside me...and let's journey together!